The Notorious Eddie Mac Presents: Survivor Series Is Gonna Suck, And Here’s Why (or Insert Title Of Bitter IWC Rant Here)

Hey, were you aware that a WWE Big Four PPV is this Sunday? Chances are, you probably weren't until last night, or at least WWE wasn't working as such to make you aware that a Big Four PPV is this Sunday (in a sidebar, Sunday will be the 25th and 20th anniversaries respectively of the Survivor Series that featured the 10-on-10 elimination match and the one with the Hart family that set up Owen's eventual heel turn a year later. Make of it what you will.)

So yeah, a Big Four PPV is this Sunday. It's called Survivor Series.

And I gotta tell you: Survivor Series is going to suck. I have absolutely no basis for this reasoning, but considering the effort WWE put into their second oldest PPV (and a concept that had long outlived its usefulness years ago), I can't be confident in putting down $50 ($55 for the HD feed) for the fourth PPV since Daniel Bryan kneed John Cena in the face on August 18 (I know what happened afterwards. I just refuse to acknowledge it.) And after last night's effort, many people probably feel the same way. So if you're still feeling on the fence about it, allow me to convince you to not spend your money.

  1. It's Tuesday, and unless something drastic happens, Dolph Ziggler, Damien Sandow, and Mark Henry are all not booked on this PPV. The Rick Ross look-alike is probably still on the DL, but Dolph and Damien are fine and well. Both were in the world title picture at one point or another in 2013. Neither man is collecting a PPV bonus this Sunday. (Side nugget: how far have these three fallen since hitting their peaks? They did have a somewhat entertaining match last night.) Yet...
  2. Eva Marie and Jojo are booked on this PPV. And not only are they booked, but every diva not named Layla El on the main roster is booked. (Side nugget: what happened to Layla? This is a serious question, by the way. She hasn't been on TV since September and hasn't tweeted in a month.) While Paige, Emma, Bayley, and the rest of the NXT divas await that one phone call, Eva and Jojo, who combined have as much in-ring wrestling acumen as I do (none, by the way), will both make their PPV debuts this Sunday on the basis of being on a reality show. Spoiler alert: Team Total Divas will win because... Total Divas. #totaldivasruinseverything
  3. The real Survivor Series match already happened. Don't get me wrong: the 5-on-5 and the GTYes (or Dragon's Edge as one of my friends call the combo of CM Punk and Daniel Bryan) versus Dirty Shirt and Sheep Mask (Luke Harper and Erick Rowan) matches have the potential to be crazy bananas good (outside of Jack Swagger-he's just awful-and a well-past-his-prime returning Rey Mysterio). But the match you knew deep down in your heart you'd put money down for happened already. It was the main event of RAW last night and it was fantastic. Seriously, seek that match out if you haven't seen it. (Side nugget: The Shield are the MVP's of 2013, yes? Their good match to bad match ratio far exceeds the rest of the roster.)
  4. The show will be main evented by a Randy Orton-Big Show match that you didn't want or a John Cena-Alberto Del Rio match you didn't want. I get that it's probably best for business to have a world title match in the main event spot. But because fans didn't order Summerslam or the two PPVs afterwards in droves (aka the Orton-Bryan trilogy that featured two non-finishes), we're having these two world title matches forced upon us, logic and continuity be damned. In one match, the alternate to being the one-armed Supercena being world champion is heat vacuum Alberto Del Rio being world champion. Yeah, yeah, I get that Cena's "bringing back credibility to the Big Gold Belt". Is no one else available to do that? Why even have two titles around other than money? (Sorry, I digress.) In the other match, Randy Orton, legend killer, is playing second banana to the Corporate Authority, and has been booked as such. Here's all you need to know: both Orton and Big Show were basically done for the night by 9pm, and the Cena-Del Rio segment was done and dusted by 10pm. If one of those is your main event, and you didn't close the go-home show with it, why? (Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they went with the 12-man tag for the main event. But I'm betting the men's Survivor Series match curtain jerks.) Oh, and whatever ending the main event has, you probably won't like it to the point where you'll likely demand a refund. WWE's seemed to have made an art form of it lately.
  5. You have better things to watch this Sunday. The Walking Dead, The Talking Dead, The Dead (if there's a show of that name, you'd watch it), the Doctor Who 50th anniversary episode on DVR, and oh yeah...Manning versus Brady on Sunday Night Football on NBC. (Side nugget: as much as I like Carrie Underwood-in small doses-I miss me some Faith Hill. Just saying.)

Does this come off as a bitter IWC member rant? Yes. But that's the point. Did you not read the title? Maybe I'll be proven wrong when I read the results next Monday. Or maybe when my brother gets me the DVD for Christmas, I'll regift it like I did the 2010 edition. All I know is this: I'm not wasting my money, and I'm hoping you won't either. Maybe when the buyrates suck (and given the effort in the buildup, it will), someone other than Daniel Bryan will get the blame. One more reason to not order Survivor Series:

  1. LOLCenaWins.

You're welcome. Now go buy yourself a nice Christmas gift with that money you saved.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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