We’ve arrived at the Thanksgiving tradition, Survivor Series… not that I ever watched it on Thanksgiving but I think that’s what I’m required to say anytime I mention it. Because I am in fact Michael Cole.
We open with Jesse James coming out and "no lipsynching" his goofy country song. Its the free for all elimination tag match- Jess James, Aldo Montoya, Bob Holly, Bart Gunn vs Justin Bradshaw, the Sultan, Salvatore Sincere and Billy Gunn with a black hat instead of a white one. That’s how you know he’s a heel. Its announced that Hart vs Austin is the #1 contenders match as well.
We start with Sultan vs Montoya, Speed vs Strength battle- eventually Montoya is able to knock Sultan out of the ring- But Sultan turns it around and hits a pile driver, then lock in a camel clutch, forcing Montoya to tap out. Out comes Bob Holly next- Holly gets a headlock into a bulldog, but gets hit by Bradshaw allowing Sultan to recover- back from a commercial and its Sincere vs Bart Gunn, Gun gets rolled outside and is attacked by Sultan. Gunn recovers, hits a sidewalk slam on Sincere and eliminates him.
(I just laugh every time I see Aldo Montoya but I dont know why)
Next up is Bradhsaw on the assault- Gunn tags in Holly- Holly eventually falls to a lariat, then Jesse James and gets Bradshaw via rollup, the Sultan takes his place and assaults James. James gets a small package on Sultan and eliminates him. Billy Gunn jumps on James and eliminates him quickly, setting up Billy vs Bart Gunn- Bart gets wrapped up in the ropes, Billy calls him a Son of a Bitch (they’re kayfabe brothers… so…), but Bart recovers after Billy smacks into the turnbuckle and an elbow to the head is enough to put Billy down for the Bart victory.
Back to the show, the In Ring announcer says something about a countdown, lights go off Taker music hits, and gives a speech over the PA about Bearer. And with that, we are into the PPV proper.
Our opening match of the show- out comes British Bulldog, Owen Hurt and their lawyer alongside the New Rockers. They are up against: Philip LaFon and Doug Furnas and the Godwinns. We start out with LaFon vs one of the Rockers; Janetty does a fun bounce off the ropes reversal, but is clearly outmatched by LaFon. He makes the tag to Cassidy, who is in more control. They do a lot of wrestling moves for a while, but then LaFon tags in one of the Godwinns.
The match gets sluggish and uneventful for a while. Then the ref gets distracted allowing the Hart-Bulldog team to get their licks in, Hart uses the ref to get in cheap shots. The Godwinn makes the tag to his brother after getting Janetty to miss on a leg drop. Fun moment where one of the Godwinns is sent into the turnbuckle, but the other throws his body into it to protect him. The Yellow Shirted Godwinn recovers, hits a slop drop and eliminates Janetty, Owen Hart gets in and immediately eliminates the yellow Godwinn. Red Godwin throws Hart from the ring. Hart makes a sneaky tag to Bulldog who slams Red Godwinn and eliminates him.
(And with that second elimination, we no longer get any more Bill Clinton jokes, because the Godwinns are from Arkansas)
Next is Furnas vs Bulldog. The Heels do another sneaky tag, and Owen Hart hits a wicked drop kick on Furnas, but doesn’t get the pin. Bulldog tags in, hits the vertical suplex and does a little flip afterwards which is impressive for a man his size. Furnas survives and finally gets a tag, LaFon sets up Cassidy on the ropes then does some sort of suplex off the turnbuckle eliminating Cassidy. LaFon hits a heel kick to Bulldog to knock him down. But the bad guys survive, and then hit a low blow on LaFon to recover. But LaFon gets a rollup and pin of Bulldog while Furnas and Hart are outside. Hart takes LaFon’s leg into the post a couple times, then Hart locks in the Sharpshooter, but Furnas saves LaFon. LaFon hits a reverse heel kick, allowing him to escape to Furnas, Furnas is able to hit a pair of suplexes and eliminate Owen Hart. Big time upset right there.
(I can honestly say I had never even heard of these guys. They’re pretty good so I expect some sort of terrible gimmick is hoisted upon them leading to their eventual release from the WWF)
Mankind vs Undertaker with Paul Bearer in a cage above the ring is our next match. I don’t really care. Bearer refuses to enter the cage, lights go out and Taker’s music hits. And Undertaker is lowered from the roof with a pair of Batman wings. Taker is dressed in all black leather- god the chaffing. Taker goes after Mankind’s hand as Bearer retreats into the cage. They eventually go into the crowd for some rough spots. Back in the ring, Mankind hits a piledriver, goes to lock in the claw, but Taker counters, Taker sets up for the tombstone, Mankind slips free and locks in the Claw. But then Taker tosses him out of the ring to escape the hold.
(SWEAR TO ME)
Taker kicks Mankind away and he smashes his head into the fence/barricade thing that surrounds the ring area (Ouch). There’s a reason they moved to the padded walls I imagine. Mankind recovers, goes for a jump off the turnbuckle but gets caught into a chokeslam. Mankind counters into a Mandible Claw. Taker goes down and looks out of it, the ref starts his count. I guess its like a Last Man Standing match? Anyway, Taker recovers, gets Mankind’s arm locked up in the ropes, continues his attack. Mankind grabs some sort of shiv, and smashes it into Taker’s face. The ref gets distracted by Bearer (which is absurd because the guy is 30 feet above the ring) allowing Mankind to continue his assault. But Taker does his Taker thing. He counters, hits a tombstone piledriver for a quick and sudden win.
The cage lowers for Taker to get his revenge, but the Executioner shows up and assaults Undertaker, allowing Bearer to escape. So, the purpose of the gimmick was that he couldn't get away from Taker's revenge. Good that worked out then.
Now to the headlining Survivor Series match. Out comes Sunny, wearing Tie Dye… because reasons? And then the heel team. Out first we get Crush, then Lawler, Goldust w/Marlena, and then Helmsley (without Mr. Perfect or a female companion). Then the faces come on out: Mero w/Sable, then the Stalker without face paint, Rocky Maiava, both JR and Sunny pimp Rocky with his goofy hair. Apparently Mark Henry is hurt or something because he’s not involved now. Now a surprise entrant… Jake the Snake Roberts.
(The future of the WWF)
We start with Lawler (to chants of "Burger King") vs Marc Mero, Mero quickly tags in the Stalker, and Lawler tags in Helmsley, Stalker talks back in Helmsley, Helmsley tags in Goldust and the match begins. Seriously, that was a waste of my time.
Mero is in control, tags in Stalker, Goldust gets out and tags in Helmsley- who retreats and tags in Crush. Stalker tags in Mero. Mero tags in Rocky. Not a lot has happened other than tags at this point. Mr. Maiavva gets locked into the corner by Crush who tags in Lawler. Lawler gets Rocky down, but the Rocky one leaps up and does some impressive athletic leaps over the King as he runs the ropes, then he does his goofy Rock Punch, knocking Lawler out of the ring. Lawler tags in Helmsley- the heels team up on Rocky, next up is Goldust.
(Jerry "the King" Lawler)
Rocky eventually escapes by flipping Triple H- Rocky tags in Roberts who dominates Helmsley, but the heels get Roberts into a corner and then Goldust takes him on. Then Lawler gets his chance. The King starts to taunt Roberts (like he does), and eats a DDT for his troubles. We get our first elimination with Lawler eating a Roberts pin. Goldust comes in next. Goldust dominates for a while, but Roberts recovers tags in the Stalker- Goldust distracts the ref allowing Crush to kidney punches the Stalker. Goldust hits the Curtain call for the pin and Mr. Windham is off to the locerks.
This time its Helmsley vs Mero- Helmsley distracts the ref for the Goldust cheap shot- the bad guys dominate for a while before Roberts gets in and distracts Helmsley, allowing Mero to hit a Moonsault on Helmsley and eliminate him. Mero does a dive onto Crush from the top rope, but Goldust saves Crush and Mero smashes into the ground. Then Crush eliminates Mero and then almost immediately eliminates Roberts. Out comes Rocky, Crush tags in Goldust, the crowd starts chanting "Rocky". I guess this guy got over fast? Goldust runs to tag Crush in- Rocky starts to dominate, so the heels both enter the ring and team up on him. Crush goes for a heart punch but Rocky dodges; the punch takes out Goldust and Rock turns and eliminates Crush. Then Rocky hits a shoulder breaker on Goldust and eliminates him. Not a fan of that finisher but the match was fun.
Brett Hart vs Stone Cold
Big show time. The match starts off with Austin getting up in Hart’s grill, and dropping the double birds. Lots of on mat wrestling from both guys for a while- Austin takes over for a bit with some slugging, but Hart recovers. Austin takes over again and starts targeting the neck. The match is slow but then picks up after a bit of holding. Hart recovers from being placed on the top rope then hits an elbow drop. Austin uses an eye rake to get back into control. Stone Cold taunts someone in the crowd, then Hart shoves him over and through the barricade. Austin manages to recover and throws Hart into the lap of the Spanish announce table.
(Por Dios lo partió por la mitad!)
Austin then his Hart with an elbow from the apron while Hart is on the table. From here on out its Austin in charge clearly. Austin nearly gets DQ’ed for using the ropes, this allows Hart to recover and they two start trading slugs. Hart hits the Stun Gun on Austin, nearly gets the 3 count. Hart gets back up and hits the pile driver (God I hate watching that)- Both men down for a while, this lets Austin get the upper hand- Austin then hits a top rope Suplex. Austin gets up first, hits the Stunner. But Hart kicks out- we have our first false finisher of the night. Austin locks in the Texas Cloverleaf- but Hart makes it to the rope.
Austin tossed Hart across the ring, leading Hart to smash into the turnbuckle pole, then Austin locks in the Bow and Arrow- Hart breaks free, tries to lock in the Sharp Shooter- but Austin gets to the rope- then Hart gets the Sleeper Hold, which Austin turns into a Jawbreaker. Big time back and forth. Both men recover, then Austin locks in the Million Dollar Dream- but Hart walks up the turnbuckle flips over Hart and pins Austin while Stone Cold has the hold locked in for the 1 2 3.
(Really good and enjoyable match. Not surprising given the pairing. Sets the stage for a lot of whats going to happen going forward I expect)
Louis Albano (?) Comes out to the announce table- then we get "Nation of Domination"- two rappers come out, behind them the lawyer and Farooq doing the Black Power fist. His tag team partners- Razor Ramon, Diesel, and their final ally- Vader. Jim Cornette on the announce team as well. So a bad bunch of dudes right there.
(Are the rappers white? Is this supposed to be a racial thing? I’m very confused… I also feel like this would not fly in 2013)
Their opponents- Savio Vega, Yokozuma, "Flash Funk"- is this the Godfather?- he’s accompanied by the "Funkettes" (Funcadactyls?)- and their mystery partner- Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.
(Somebody call my momma!)
We start with Funk vs Vader- Funk recovers from some Early Vader smashing, to get Vader out of the ring and then do a moonsault off the ring onto a prone Vader. Then we get some quick transitions, Farooq, Savio Vega and Razor Ramon all get some time. Ramon gets the better of Vega, then tags in Diesel, but Vega gets Flash Funk in. Funk and Farooq go for a while, with Funk doing lots of splashy jumps before Farooq hits a spinebuster and floors him. Then Vader gets the tag, Eventually though we get Snuka vs Diesel and then vs Vader- the Super Fly one gets the better of Vader rather surprisingly, then tags in Vega. Vega gets thrown out of the ring and beaten down, allowing Diesel to hit him with the finisher and pin him.
Out next is Ramon vs Snuka, Snuka hits the Superfly and eliminates him. But then Diesel smashes Snuka with a chair and all hell breaks loose. Gets ruled a double DQ.
The whole point of the match is for eliminations, and we don’t even get many of those? Disappointing. I’ll let Long Island Iced Z finish this section.
Now we get the main event: Michaels vs Sid. It takes Forever for the dang match to start, promos and intros and background. I get it, I just watched it for four weeks.
Michaels gets beat down a bit by Sid to start, then recovers and starts giving it back to Sid. Good back and forth picks up, the crowd seems to really get behind Sid briefly. Michaels targets the legs, locks in a figure four, but Sid reverses it and Michaels has to roll to the ropes to escape. Back and forth continues until Sid kicks Michaels out of the ring. He follows him outside and starts using the barricade as a weapon against Michaels. Sid takes control back inside the ring, your typical strength vs speed thing- Michaels just gets shoved around the ring, but each time he gets up and tells Sid to keep coming- Michaels at one point is being propped up by Sid so that Sid can continue to punch him without Michaels falling over. At that point Mihaels turns it around, starts going after Sid and hits him with a slam.
(Just in case you can’t spell his name)
Michaels goes for an elbow drop, but then eats a leg to the chest on the drop. Sid locks in a sleeper hold, which Michaels nearly passes out to, but eventually breaks free- sets up the Sweet Chin Music. Sid counters into a chokeslam- every time Michaels tries to recover Sid lays him out. Sid can’t get the two count and loses it, he grabs the camera from a cameraman, then for some reason turns and lays out Jose Lethario with it, allowing Michaels to hit Sweet Chin Music seemingly for the win. Michaels, seeing his downed manager, runs out of the ring to help Lothario. Sid gets Michaels back in the ring after an assault from behind. But Michaels leaps over Sid, taking out the ref in the process. With the ref down, Sid attacks Michaels with the camera. Then he hits the Power slam, and a super slow count 1…2…3..