It often seems like every story TNA comes up with is a cheap knockoff of one that was done better years ago, without updating, altering or even putting their own personal stamp on said story. So, in the interest of being helpful, here are some storylines for TNA to rip off.
The Two Stings
Sting is shown leaving Impact one night, never to return. Over the next few weeks, Dixie Carter and the rest of the TNA locker room discuss the implications of Sting having gone missing. With the natives growing restless, Carter hires wisecracking gumshoe Chevy Chase to track the Stinger down.
A series of wacky vignettes will air, detailing Chevy Chase's search for the Icon in a hilarious parody of the classic television show, the Rockford Files. Meanwhile, in the Impact Zone, a mysterious figure appears who somewhat resembles Sting. It is, in fact, just D.O.C. in a wig and face paint, but we'll keep that to ourselves, kayfabe and all. But wait, this Sting is evil! It can't be the real Sting.
Normally, one would air a few weeks of Chevy Chase vignettes, but this being TNA, we're going to go ahead and stretch it out to several months. Of course, we have to spend an hour every week of everyone talking about the fake Sting and the missing, real Sting. But we can't have too much forward momentum going with this story. After all, why just entertain the crowd when you can bludgeon them into a nihilistic apathy? Plus, nine months of Chevy Chase comedy skits are exactly what every wrestling fan truly craves. They love it because he's Chevy Chase and they're not. Tugboat.
Of course, the Chevy Chase segments will go absolutely nowhere and will be a huge waste of time and money. But its all a distraction. The real Sting will show up 10 months after he's disappeared, standing in the crowd while pointing a baseball bat at fake Sting while eating a chili dog. Then the real build begins. After 10 more months of mind games, fake outs, Russo swerves and chili dogs, the two Stings will face down in the most highly anticipated match in TNA history with a 20-month build behind it.
The bell rings, the two get ready to lock up in their first and final epic confrontation. Then the lights go out. When they come back up, fake Sting is gone! Real Sting celebrates with another chili dog. We'll air six more months of Chevy Chase skits where he looks for the fake Sting, before we just drop the angle with no explanation or conclusion and quietly stop taking Chevy Chase's phone calls. Burn dust and eat his rubber.
Jeff Hardy: Voodoo Master
After a binge of meth and painkillers, Jeff Hardy finds himself in the swamps of Louisiana. There, he learns the sacred art of voodoo. Upon his return to Impact, he begins a feud with Mr. Anderson because of reasons. Maybe they decide they don't like each other after a heated debate of the pros and cons of Obamacare. Regardless, it all ends up with Mr. Anderson spilling coffee on Jeff Hardy's pants and Hardy putting a voodoo curse on him.
Mr. Anderson will then go to Eric Bischoff for help, because Easy E has had his share of curses placed on him in the past. Mr. Anderson will see Jeff Hardy's reflection in the mirror, Mike Tenay and Taz will see it, everyone watching at home will see it, but Eric Bischoff won't see it. In a classic Russo swerve, it will turn out that Eric Bischoff has been cursed by a vampire and is unable to see anything in a mirror. The two of them of course must break their curses.
The program will be eight months long, with the lights going out during Mr. Anderson's matches, Jeff Hardy rising out of the ring, smoke, lightning, chili dogs, tugboats and an assortment of hexes, spells, counterspells, Prodigal Sorcerers, Royal Assassins, a Colossus of Sardia and more than a handful of Drudge Skeletons.
The highlight of the feud will be when Jeff Hardy uses his MIND POWERS!!!!!! to make Mr. Anderson bleed from the skull, in a completely silly and unbelievable in ring skit. The blow off of the feud will be at Lockdown, where Mr. Anderson will face off against Jeff Hardy in a Type-A, Magic: The Gathering in a cage showdown. Mr. Anderson will win, because he's a pussy so of course he plays white.
The vampire will turn out to be AJ Styles, because why not?
Weekend at Serg's
Oh no, what have Eric Young and Magnus gotten themselves into this time? When Dixie Carter asks Eric Young and Magnus to move some boxes out of her garage, Magnus accidentally punches her husband and knocks him out cold. But wait, they have to have dinner with Dixie and Serg is supposed to be there.
Oh no! What are they doing to do?
Wacky hijinks will ensue for exactly one vignette, before we drop it completely and never mention it again. Then we'll have Eric Young fall in love with a mannequin that he thinks is real.
That'll put butts in seats.