Previously on Impact Wrestling
Dixie Carter declared Hulk Hogan the Voldemort of TNA, implied that the Chief Operating Officer of her chief competitor had married his way to the top...and she was just getting warmed up! For...a completely lackluster, awkward exchange with Sting that booked him and his hand-picked Bound for Glory opponent, Magnus, in a tag match against the Extraordinary Gentleman's Organization (EGO) that they had to win in order to get their pay-per-view (PPV) contest approved.
Austin Aries accused Jeff Hardy of stealing his spotlight, then put the Charismatic Engima down with a SUPAH-BRAINBUSTAH!!! Samoa Joe came out after the match and added himself to the Ultimate X match scheduled for this Sunday. Because, let's be honest, he didn't have anything else to do.
Eric Young delayed his road trip to San Diego with Joseph Park so he could help out his wifey in her inter-gender clash with Jessie Godderz. He couldn't save her from getting destroyed by Lai'D Tapa. Because, let's be honest, there aren't any other Knockouts for ODB to feud with right now. Sure, Bully Ray's doll did win a #1 contender's match later in the show, but Brookie T isn't winning anything other than a short shorts competition any time soon.
Speaking of Ray, his segment with the club dropped Ken Anderson's name so many times I thought he might magically appear like Beetlejuice. Garett Bischoff and Knux then went out and lost a handicap match to Styles, before Bully put the chain to him.
And, in my frontrunner for Segment of the Year, Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian put on the Dumb & Dumber tuxedos and booted up Adobe Premiere to honor their friend and fellow EGO-ist with a Hall of Fame induction. Their night was ruined by a returning Kurt Angle, and further ruined by a loss to Magnus and Sting (that did futher the issues between the two Main Event Mafia members), but...DAT SEGMENT.
(NOTE: This show was taped last Thursday for broadcast tonight. Previews are spoiler free, but if you're so inclined, they are available...somewhere on the internet. You do know how to google...don't you?)
Still in Oklahoma, but before they got all depressed about this year's Red River Shootout...
This airs just days away from Bound for Glory...who will live? Who will die? Will Impact ever be the same again!?!?
Sorry, got carried away there for a second...
That old chestnut the contract signing shows up tonight, as Bully and AJ will put their names on the dotted line for their main event showdown on Sunday. How is the phenomenal one feeling after his steel chain beatdown? What does Dixie have in store for the man she calls the "Marginal One"? What will Brooke Tessmacher be wearing to accentuate her curvaceous hindquarters?
Our Olympic Hero will speak on his return, the Hall of Fame, and his match at Bound for Glory against The It Factor. Hopefully he'll have some better game than that lame "girlfriends" line from last week.
Dark Sabin tussles with the latest man to book himself into a match, the Samoan Submission Machine. And in match that will probably be headlining the Lincoln (TN) County Fair next year at this time, Gunner collides with Knux.
The PPV will have a free pre-show (hmmm), and that will feature a tag team gauntlet match (wait a minute...) to determine the #1 contenders for the tag belts on the main show (that sounds so familiar). To get us warmed up for that, and to determine which of the four competing teams will have an "advantage" in the gauntlet, Robbie E, Christopher Daniels, Hernandez and Eric Young will have a four-way dance. I thought EY was on the road, though...
Expect to pop for:
EGO. I'm not sure what else we can ask of these three. Any of them will put on an above average match - the Bad Influence pair managed to get a watchable match out of a 50-something more interested in building the story with his tag partner, where there was zero suspense because the outcome had been telegraphed by the stipulation that would have wiped a match off the already pedestrian card they're asking fans to pay money for next week.
They're entertaining as all get out. I'd probably giggle if they did sketches with no audio where Daniels and Kaz were bickering while Roode made faces in the background. But each of them can go from face to heel, goofy to serious a heck of a lot better than John Cena. The former TNA World champ is probably the best at all phases, but the Fallen Angel is almost as versatile. And Kaz isn't too far behind.
Imagine a world where The It Factor's epic title run hadn't included challengers like Sting and Rob Van Dam, but was allowed to organically through James Storm and Jeff Hardy. Where TNA had really committed to building around Roode and the other guys on their roster in their prime, instead of having him barely escape from old men for a while in between year-long programs focused on Hulk Hogan.
After Bound for Glory, maybe they can really go for it with Roode as a post-modern Ric Flair as heel champ. Aries, Hardy, Magnus and Styles could all be set-up as babyface challengers. Kazarian and Daniels can be goofball versions of Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard. It could be a new wrinkle on an old trope that just might allow them to get some buzz going for them without having to break the bank.
What does TNA have to lose?
The heat is on:
Kurt Angle. Please stay sober. Please don't end up paralyzed. Or dead. We just want you to be happy.
And you can do better than the "girlfriends" joke, big guy.
They're going to try to get you to buy Bound for Glory...is there anything they can do, or is it too late?
Gape along with your fellow Cagesiders in the live blog, and check out all of our PPV coverage - all weekend long!