Hulk Holland's midweek meltdown: Musings of a milk-drinking man

Michael N. Todaro

It's been a busy week in professional wrestling WWE which unfortunately for you, dear reader, gives me a lot to complain about.

So I was watching The Rock run through the streets in his jammies, you know, in that silly Super Bowl commercial pushing the power of milk (watch it here), and I just couldn't get over how different he looks. It's been bugging me ever since this poster came out, where he looks like the Samoan version of Woody from Toy Story.

Something is just ... off.

I don't mind slinging wild accusations, because I can't get sued. Well, I can, but I'm not worth anything, so it wouldn't really matter. That's my running joke with identity theft, too. If anyone ever stole it, they'd probably give it back by the end of the day since the idea is to be better off than you were before, not worse.

Anyway, back to Rocky.

I dunno, maybe it's Botox? Or in this case Rotox. His face looks like a rubber mask! Speaking of rubber that goes over your head, Hulk Hogan and I have yet another thing in common: we both want to bang his daughter! I'd even let Geno the Bears Sponge film it in his apartment, just so I could get my name out there.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Maybe Lillian Garcia should tweet some pics of her legs, too. Sure, I watched her music video (click here if you missed it) and it was nice. Her voice is very nice too. I like how it was filmed through those soft filters with mellow lighting as she crooned in front of a fireplace about love and uh, flowers or something.

It all felt so nice.

Ironically, the song is titled "Over & Over" which is appropriate, because I've seen that video -- or some variation of it -- over and over on VH-1. Now, if she would have come out in black spandex like Joan Jett and bashed a guitar over that piano before throwing a drink in her man's face -- Pat Benatar style -- then I'd be lining up to download her torrent buy her CD.

One thing I won't be lining up for is Main Event.

That show went from the best pro wrestling program on television to the worst. As usual, WWE has gone and made itself a handful of new stars and now doesn't know what to do with them. I know I'm supposed to be enthralled with his face turn, but watching Miz try to stand up to Antonio Cesaro was like watching Gary Wallace try to stand up to Lord General at the end of Weird Science.

At least we still have Saturday Morning Slam!

Speaking of getting slammed, Goldberg must have hurt Bret Hart a lot worse than we thought. Not only does "The Hitman" think Triple H is "overrated," he claims last year's WrestleMania match against The Undertaker was, at best, a 4/10. Oh, and Trips "never had a great match."

Two words: SummerSlam 2002.

That's the same event where "The Deadman" went up against Test. I believe the match stipulation was "Just Because." It sure beat some of the other goofy programs he was slogging through around that same time, having DDP chase his wife -- before he chased Kronik right out of the company.

Perhaps that's why his appearance at "The Grandaddy of them all" is in jeopardy?

I know the prevailing wisdom points to "injuries," but what exactly did he do to hurt himself? Slip on some Formaldehyde at the funeral home? Yes, he's 47 and yes his career has been hell (har har), but if Ric Flair can go out there without dying then dammit Mark, you need to get out there too.

Or maybe it's just time to turn in the urn.

Perhaps instead of working once a year, he should stay a little more active, this way it's not so traumatic on the body when he does take those annual bumps. From a physical perspective, the worse thing you can do is yo-yo from feast to famine every 12 months.

Feed. Him. More.

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