Dear John Cena,
First thing's first. Sunday is not the seventh day of the week or the day of rest. Saturday is the day of rest and the last day of the week, Sunday is the first. On the first day God created light. The sun is what lights and warms the Earth, without it there is no life on this planet. The word 'sun' is literally in the name of the day. Maybe instead of playing Black Ops 2 as Skidmark187 you should try reading a book you ignorant malefactor. You're welcome.
Second, thank you. With all sincerity from the depths of my heart, I thank you. No matter how much the Rock may rely on silly name calling or juvenile nursery rhymes, as long as you are on the show, he will look like an inspired genius. He may rely on lowest common denominator comedy a bit too much, but at least he doesn't fail at it as miserably as you do. We can talk all day about whether or not Rock's frat boy humor belongs in the current landscape of the WWE and the national culture at large. That is a very worthy discussion to have. At least the Rock's promos and jokes have things like setups and payoffs. He usually brings it home when he hits his point. He's doesn't go out there and ramble like an idiot and then in the last thirty seconds yells, "I'm going to win the Royal Rumble!" like we should care.
Third, are you completely without dignity? Is there no point you won't sink in order to pander to 12 year old boys in a desperate attempt to show them how cool and hip you are? You remind me of every 80's teen comedy where a parent/teacher/authority figure or whatever tries to connect with the young kids by talking slang and making an idiot of themselves on a skateboard or something. That's you. I just watched a grown man beg a 12 year old boy to like him. It was pathetic.
If you're going to do the figure four, learn how to do it properly. Come on man, we already got one guy in the WWE who can't do basic moves(Cena), we don't need another. Also, you really need to freshen up your character if you're going to be a face. You don't have to do a whole lot, Roddy Piper, Ric Flair and Steve Austin were basically the same characters as faces as they were when they were heels. But they often did subtle things with their characters and tweaked their psychology. They adapted and evolved. Otherwise, you risk bombing and will continue to sink further down the card and straight through the gates of irrelevancy where Prince Albert will welcome you with open arms.
Dear Alberto Del Rio,
You are quickly becoming the opposite of the Miz right now. You are settling into your face role nicely while still maintaining your charm as a Mexican aristocrat with a personal ring announcer. Ricardo continues to do fantastic work at ringside while you are starting to show some more flash in the ring. Now you're turn got off to a weak start, but now you can start gaining more momentum. Find something unique to bring to the table and 2013 can be a very good year for Alberto Del Rio.
Dear CM Punk,
Your feud with the Rock has been a war of words and last night was the Rock's Waterloo. Let's face it, the last few weeks the Rock has been bringing a wiffle bat to a gun fight. You have been spitting lead at the Great One and last night might have been your masterpiece. I don't think the WWE Championship has been put over so hard on WWE tv in years. Right now, I honestly believe the Rock will have to pry the belt from your cold, dead hands before you give it over. I'm glad somebody is putting over the WWE Championship as the most important thing in the WWE Universe, because the WWE sure as Hell isn't interested in doing that.
When you said that you made the WWE Championship special, that is the absolute truth. Since the WWE refuses to sell the belt as the center of the WWE Universe, someone has to remind the fans of how special that belt is. Thus far, you have outclassed the Rock on the mic in every way. You have truly earned the right to be called the best in the world.
Where Cena failed last year, you have succeeded. Where Cena could not keep up with the Great One, you have proved that you belong in the upper pantheon of wrestling greats. There is no man in the WWE right now, who deserves to headline Wrestlemania as the WWE Champion than you.
Dear Daniel Bryan and Kane,
It will be a sad day when the inevitable break up of Team Hell No happens. But let us remember that its better to go out on top rather than stale and old. It has been a great run guys and Royal Rumble should be the swan song of a very entertaining tag team. No matter how crappy WWE television got, we could always count on you to bring the entertainment. This storyline has been awesome.
Dear Dr. Shelby,
Dr. Phil ain't got shit on you.
You went from a heavily pushed monster to a jobber, for the second time in your career. LOL.