This is the third installment of my comprehensive review of Chyna's latest wrestling project: Chyna is Queen of the Ring.
Part one featured a backstage brawl between Chyna and The McMahons, where Chyna proved that the renowned McMahon grapefruits were no match for Chyna's incapacitating stinkface.
Part two featured an eight versus one handicapped weapons Jizzapalooza match where Chyna battled legends such as Mean Gene and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Chyna reigned supreme by mostly laying around and doing nothing, which tricked her opponents into dropping their guard and entering her deadly unforgiving trap, over and over again.
Chyna's victory in the Jizzapalooza match guaranteed her a spot in the main event of FuckleMania 2012 against two mystery legends. But before we head back to the ring for this grand main event match, there is another backstage segment.
Captain Lou Albano is backstage with the young female ring announcer. Captain Lou looks more like a Hedgehog than I ever remembered. Things get bizarre right away as the old man starts to demonstrate to the girl that he is a very cunning linguist. He dives headfirst into the hairy material and she seems to be enjoying the lesson.
This is not your typical pro wrestling angle. I do have to admit that this girl is at least selling this segment way better than anything from that horrific Jizzapalooza match. She is single-handedly carrying Captain Lou during this segment.
The backstage segment seems to be cut short and we are now back at ringside and ready for the main event. The first mystery legend makes his entrance, and it is none other than Hulk Hogan! The commentator ejaculates: "This is the greatest thing I have ever seen!" as Hogan does his signature poses.
Hogan has lost quite a bit of muscle mass and tan but his mobility is better than ever! Hogan finally rips his shirt off and heads to the ring. The Hulkster is really doing a great job of working the non-existent crowd into a frenzy. I'm sure that if there were any audience members in the arena that they would be showering Hogan with adulation. The announcer really puts over Hogan's status as the greatest superstar of all-time.
The second mystery legend is none other than Nature Boy Ric Flair! Flair makes his way out to some canned heat while wearing an uncharacteristically cheap robe. Maybe getting yourself kicked out of TNA in the midst of a lawsuit with WWE wasn't the brightest idea, huh Ric? The commentator does a poor job of putting Flair over. Hogan is clearly playing his backstage politics, as expected.
Both combatants begin to run the ropes. Hogan hasn't run the ropes this well since 1991. Both men continue to run the ropes but the match won't start until Chyna hits the ring. But where is she?
We cut to the backstage area and see that Chyna is there with the Hedgehog-like Captain Lou Albano. They are both double-teaming that poor young ring girl, this time with lessons on proper carpet maintenance and elegant muffin consumption techniques.
But then there is suddenly a big swerve as Captain Lou turns his attention to Chyna and stabs her right in the mouth with The Cobra. The ring girl runs off. I am not familiar with the story lines leading into this show so I don't know if this was a setup or not. But this has now turned into another backstage melee this time featuring Chyna duking it out with Captain Lou Albano.
Before going any further, this segment seems doomed from the start. First of all the best worker inside the arena, the ring girl, has already left the segment. That's like having Kevin Nash vs The Ultimate Warrior vs Bret Hart, but then Bret Hart suddenly disappears and so you are left with just a train wreck singles match between Warrior and Nash. That kind of crap belongs on Twitter, not FuckleMania.
This segment has also been placed in that dreaded spot right before the main event, so nobody cares about this match. I want to see Hogan vs Flair vs Chyna, I think. I don't want to see a super old and hirsute fat guy repeatedly powerslamming Chyna for the next 10 minutes. I get it, I know this is just an angle and that he is brutally destroying her so that she is weakened for the main event match. But it just isn't necessary this late in the show, especially with Hogan and Flair waiting in the ring.
Ok now back to the action. It looks like they are immediately going for a highspot as Captain Lou has Chyna setup and prone on a table. I thought for sure he was going to drive her through the table, but instead he takes a few minutes to show her all of his great and charitable missionary work from over the years. He takes several minutes to drill the point home.
This stall tactic stems from the fact that Captain Lou just doesn't have the same level of stamina and endurance that he had during his heyday a few decades ago. It is obvious that he's already blown up faster than The Rock did at WrestleMania 28. Captain Lou's physical shape is disgusting and he really needs to finish this match right now.
He has Chyna pinned down on the table but there is no referee. So instead he asks Chyna to start counting down from 20. I guess he's using a modern variation of King Kong Bundy's old gimmick where he would pin his opponent for a five count rather than a three count. But a twenty count? Captain Lou sure is cocky for someone who should have retired decades ago.
Oh wait a minute, I think I figured out what this is all about. This must be a Beat The Clock challenge! Chyna doesn't have much time left for beating it.
Chyna starts counting down from 20, pausing for uneven durations between each sequential number: "20, 19, 18, 12, ..."
I kid you not, she botched the countdown.
She looks around dazed and extremely uncomfortable and doesn't know what the hell is going on except that some slimy gross Hedgehog is on top of her. Can you imagine what those merciless smarks in the crowd would be chanting at her right now for screwing up that counting spot?
Captain Lou gets her counting back on track at the number 17. She painfully counts down to one and then, you guessed it, Captain Lou stops bragging about his missionary work and sprays some of his vintage white mist at her. But his range is pathetic. It lands right on top of a bush.
Nonetheless, I think he is the winner because she never pinned him while the clock ran out. She failed to beat it. And to be honest her lackadaisical approach to beating it just wasn't very convincing. He practically had to try finishing things off by beating it himself.
This was a short match that ended at about the 7 minute mark. Chyna seemed relatively lively while the ring girl was around early on, but as soon as the ring girl departed Chyna mostly froze up and once again didn't react much to what was going on around her. She seemingly had no idea where she was and she couldn't even keep track of time.
But one thing is for sure, I definitely underestimated the potential of this segment as a lead-in for the main event. That's a pretty good buildup right there; there is no way she can handle Hogan or Flair now, not with her current confused mental state. She must be entirely consumed with self-doubt after experiencing defeat at the hands of the vile Captain Lou Albano.
I'll give the action a 1.25 star rating. It didn't go on too long but there just wasn't much substance to the action itself. There were only a couple of moves and then it was over. I was really annoyed that they teased me with a potential table bump and never delivered. Not having the ring girl there also really hurt things as she was easily the most appealing part of the segment.
And Captain Lou Albano I recognize that you are a legend in your industry, but please do us all a favor and just retire. Or at least keep all of your clothes on and try out a luchador mask when you perform in the future.
That's all for part three, Cagesiders.