Photo via Impact Wrestling
Jerry Lawler is orange and Joanie Laurer is off-white. Mick Foley? He's shades of grey.
When World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) colored commentator Jerry Lawler did his Fred Sanford shtick on Monday Night RAW a few weeks back, it changed the way I look at professional wrestling.
I wasn't naive before "The King's" heart attack, I simply turned the other cheek.
I can't do that anymore. To be honest, I, along with everyone else who emotionally invests in this business, should have never done it in the first place. When we stand in awe of juiced-up wrestlers, or pop when talent eats a steel chair, we send a message about risk vs. reward.
The wrong one.
Lawler appeared in his first public interview last Monday night (looking like someone dumped an orange slushee on him), on the same episode that saw Mick Foley exhumed for a cheap spot against reigning WWE champion CM Punk. The artist formerly known as "Mankind" is one bad bump away from adult diapers and it wouldn't surprise me to see him eating his meals through a straw in the next five years anyway.
Would I have noticed that a month ago?
Maybe, maybe not. But what happened to Lawler made the Foley segment uncomfortable, to the point where I hovered over the remote in case he started getting beat on. I didn't want to see it. And to be frank, why should I? You mean to tell me the WWE roster is so thin they can only keep Punk's upward trajectory by having him tool brittle legends?
It's been a rough week for ol' Hollywood. On Tuesday, while I was still smarting from the impact of seeing Jerry Lawler look like the Great Pumpkin, I finally got around to watching the Chyna "Queen of the Ring"
porno adult movie sent to me by Vivid.
Our own Kanenite has a thoroughly entertaining review of Joanie Laurer's sad descent into pity (see it here and here) and I couldn't get through five minutes of it. Me not being able to finish an adult movie is like Homer Simpson not being able to finish a doughnut.
Seemed impossible at the time.
Chyna is a terrible porn star. She's ugly and her body is shaped like a mannequin made out of eggplants. Maybe that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I found her to be a terrific performer and I wish the "old" Chyna was back and doing her thing.
But she's not.
That Chyna is gone forever and I shouldn't be paying much attention to her at this point, probably for her own good. The same goes for Jerry Lawler, Mick Foley and every other star of yesteryear that is being trotted out to soak up any remaining drops of adulation we may still have for them.
When we react, good or bad, WWE listens.
Jerry Lawler makes a great announcer, just like Mick Foley makes a great RAW General Manager. Joanie Laurer makes a great something, I'm sure, just not a great sperm bank. But I want to see this generation of pro wrestling superstars dominate the headlines as well as the storylines.
Those other folks?
Come out and take a bow every few months for a cheap pop, then go back to the sidelines where you belong.