I have lost track of Chyna's wrestling career ever since she departed from the WWE over a decade ago. However, I recently came across her latest wrestling project: Chyna is Queen of the Ring.
It appears that she is wrestling once again, and I just can't express how excited I am to see Chyna lace those boots up once more! And the box art also features other well-known superstars of wrestling such as John Cena and Hulk Hogan.
This wrestling card must be the epitome of entertainment. It will surely verify that I chose the right path for my mental well-being when I decided to become a life-long fan of pro-wrestling.
So sit back, relax, and join me for part one of my extremely in-depth review of this epic pro-wrestling show. It's sure to be a doozy! Just be aware that I am going to use some inside wrestling lingo like "sell" and "babyface."
If that type of talk makes you uncomfortable then turn away now!
The show begins with a backstage segment in Chyna's dressing room where Vince and Stephanie McMahon confront Chyna. Chyna cuts a promo on Vince about how "your daughter stole my man" and "your darling daughter ruined my career." Then she turns to Stephanie and tells her that she is "homicidally vengeful...towards you and your crotch." She then uses rather profane language to tell them that they are phallic symbols and to get the heck out of her dressing room. These are really strong words! Vince's acting is particularly terrible here, but Chyna put a lot of emotion into this promo.
So Chyna and Vince are negotiating the terms for her Jizzapalooza match for later during the FuckleMania card. Vince wants her to put another talent over, but Chyna only accepts this condition on one term; she tells both McMahons to "get on your knees and suck it." Vince and Stephanie then get on their knees and the camera cuts away for a second. When we are back, the three of them are going at it. Is this is an impromptu backstage handicapped match? Or maybe this is just a backstage attack? I'm not sure because there is no commentary. Well anyway, Vince and Stephanie start to viciously assault Chyna's legs and crotch. Vince is aggressively ramming his head and fingers towards Chyna's groin region. I'm not sure if this is a submission move or not but Chyna doesn't look close to tapping out. She's just standing there and not really selling it at all. After a while Chyna reverses the maneuver and starts launching her own spirited attacks towards Vince's grapefruits as he stands up. Stephanie sneaks in from behind but accidentally gets caught on her back in what looks like a modified stinkface, underneath Chyna's rear. Chyna has her foes right where she wants them. Vince says that if he knew Chyna was this good that he never would have canceled her contract. There is some decent psychology here as Vince admits that he can feel the effects of Chyna's powerful blows "all the way down to my balls."
But then suddenly Vince and Stephanie regain control of the match and Vince bends Chyna over where she is attacked from both ends by the McMahon tag team. Vince repeatedly attacks her from behind while Stephanie is just kind of sitting there holding Chyna's head down towards the general vicinity of the billion-dollar pelvic bone. I guess this is to make sure that Chyna can't break Vince's hold.
Vince then amps up his diabolical act by holding Chyna's arms behind her back while continuing to furiously attack her from behind. Chyna is in a lot of trouble here. Stephanie starts talking trash to Chyna and tells her she has no choice but to take it. Vince and Stephanie throw Chyna down on her back and continue tag teaming her. Chyna then begins the typical babyface defiant stand as she challenges Vince to "give it to me" but Stephanie quickly shuts Chyna up by sitting on her face and palming Chyna's chest down with vice-like strength.
Chyna has been stuck in these submission moves for quite a long time.
We are just past the ten minute mark of this brawl and I have to say, this is now reminding me of the good old days when Andre the Giant would slap a 10-minute Bear Hug on Hulk Hogan. Chyna has been continually flicking her fingers down towards her own crotch for much of this time. I can only assume that she is performing this maniacal motion with the intent of retrieving the two-inch weapon that has been concealed between her legs this entire time. But she just can't seem to shake it free no matter how rabidly she pulls for it.
Then things start to get weird as Vince keeps his dominant grip on Chyna, however he gets himself trapped underneath her while she launches a barrage of butt-drops on top of him over and over again. He drops an F-Bomb and starts making all sorts of loud grunting noises while Chyna repeatedly plunges her caboose on top of him, practically impaling him. Vince is in a lot of pain and needs help but Stephanie is barely paying attention to this reversal of momentum. The climax of the match appears to be on the horizon. Vince is struggling underneath Chyna, but in one last desperate act of ruthless aggression he hurls her off of him and hits her with his finishing move...the Genetic Jackhammer! This ultimate finishing move culminates as he spurts out a bunch of white mist towards her but he totally botched the move as it landed on her chest rather than in her eyes. And every time I have seen the green mist sprayed from someone like Tajiri it always emerged from Tajiri's mouth. But Vince's mist didn't spray from his mouth, which was confusing for me as a longtime wrestling fan. Anyway, they all just kind of lay there and no sell the Genetic Jackhammer maneuver, and that is the end of the segment.
I was really disappointed in this end of this match. There wasn't even a pin fall or a submission. And Vince totally botched the white mist finisher. The psychology was decent as we had the babyface down for most of the match only to make a late comeback, but the ending was almost nonexistent. And there was no commentary, so I never found out if this was an actual match or just a backstage attack. I'm guessing it was an unsanctioned brawl, as there was no ref and no pin fall. For those keeping track, the end of this fight came at around the 20-minute mark. It would have helped if Stephanie had been more into the fight. Instead it seemed like she was just there to talk trash for most of the match, like when she called Chyna a dirty female dog. Vince did the overwhelming amount of the work in this fight. Chyna was ok but she frequently forgot to sell Vince's moves. But the match did feature some admirable intensity and it was still better than just about every single Great Khali match on record, so I'll give it 2 stars out of 5.
That's all for part one, Cagesiders.