This is Hollywood Holland, Cagesiders, and I don't like to dick around with cushy intros or dramatic prose. All you need to know is "Slapstick Saturdays" pokes fun at every botch, blooper and bomb the word of professional wrestling has ever given us.
But where to start?
Just like the Montreal Screwjob is the jumping off point for every history lesson, The Shockmaster must be the foundation for Slapstick Saturdays. It is, after all, our Citizen Kane, the finest piece of pro wrestling fail you will ever find in the annals of YouTube.
Let's get to it.
When I first heard of the Shockmaster, I was expecting Horace Pinker, not Adrian Adonis with a trash can on his head. And that's what makes this character such a disaster. Fred Ottman made a great Tugboat. He did not make a great Stormtrooper.
As a matter of fact, I've seen Star Wars about a dozen times or so and I can't remember ever seeing a Stormtrooper who weighed 400 pounds. Probably because they live on a fucking space station, which I assume is like living inside a submarine with tiny cots and shit to sleep on.
But that didn't stop Ole Anderson from putting a Stormtrooper helmet on poor ol' Tugboat.
He also covered it with two pounds of glitter, downgrading Freddy from Imperial badass to janitor at Monster High. Some people speculate the sparkle was to add an "electric" look to it, but I just think it was the easiest way to avoid a lawsuit from George Lucas.
And I'm sure they didn't anticipate the indoor lighting would give it a purple hue.
I still can't figure out why they even gave it to him in the first place. At the end of the day, he's a professional wrestler. Who runs the ropes with a fucking helmet on? So if you have to take it off to wrestle, then why bother with it in the first place?
Wear a mask if you want to hide your identity.
The payoff for most fans is when Ottman goes ass over tins cups while breaking through the fiery wall of mediocrity, but I was far more amused by that pelt he had wrapped around his carcass. Could be the first time in history I've seen a fur coat with cutoff sleeves, which by the way, didn't match his helmet or his blue jeans.
I mean for god's sake man, you're the Shockmaster, come out with a fucking cattle prod or something. Kill the lights like Papa Shango used to. Where is the "shock" part? I hope it wasn't that "I'll get you, Gadget" voiceover, which was out of sync to begin with.
Credit to Sid Vicious, as he didn't know what else to do and just started screaming incoherently in an attempt to save what was left of the program, leading to one of the more flaccid promos in recent memory.
So you're the man that rules the world?
They call me, the Shockmaster!
You've ruled the world long enough Sid Vicious.
C'mon, you wanna piece of me?
You wanna piece of me? Come and get me!
Come after me, Stid [sic]. I'm ready!
Along with Dave Boy, Sting, and Dusty Rhodes, we'll see you at the Fall Brawl, at the War Games.
He looked like one of those toys cobbled together by the evil neighbor in Toy Story, his promo was dead on arrival and it all took place on the set of Sally Jessy Raphael, which apparently was being guest-hosted by Ric Flair. All things considered, the trip was the least offensive part of this entire angle.