Never say never?: News stories you will never read on Cageside Seats


Photo by Moses Robinson/Getty Images

They say in the professional wrestling business -- cue Triple H impersonation -- one can never say never.

I mean, after all, who would have thought Vince McMahon would one day hire Eric Bischoff, the man who nearly destroyed WWE with World Championship Wrestling (WCW) and Monday Nitro?

Who could have predicted, 10 years ago, indie darlings CM Punk and Daniel Bryan would be wrestling at WrestleMania, the grandest stage of them all, in separate world title match?

And who could have foreseen Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels hugging inside a WWE ring in 2010 after what went down that cold November night back in 1997 in Montreal?

Still, though, there are a few things that will likely never happen.

Cagesider StrongStyle81 has listed a few after the jump.

TNA Fires Hulk Hogan after Dixie Carter Realizes She is Paying Him to do Nothing

Dixie Carter had the biggest pro wrestling star in the history of the business under contract to TNA. That was until yesterday afternoon when she asked "The Hulkster" the one question he hoped he would never hear from her.

What exactly is it that you are doing for my company?

Panicked, Hogan went into emergency mode and immediately started talking about his match with Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III. This may seem like a strange tactic, but wizards have recently discovered that Hulk's telling of his match with Andre is actually an illusion spell he casts to manipulate the weak minded when threatened with having to actually account for himself.

This elaborate Jedi mind trick usually works on Carter, but Hulkamania may have run a little too wild in the telling of the tale. Trouble arose when Hogan claimed that Andre was fourteen feet tall, weighed six tons and died six months before the fateful night at Wrestlemania III, requiring Hogan to raise Andre from the dead.

The story backfired completely at the big finish when Hogan slammed Andre the Zombie, causing Detroit to shake so hard that it made Robocop crap his pants. Despite "The Hulkster" desperately trying to explain it to her, Carter couldn't understand the concept of "Robocop."

It was at this point that Dixie realized that even though they are paying Hulk Hogan a ton of money, their shows, ratings and ppv buys still suck. Instead of screwing over useful members of TNA's roster like Bully Ray and Velvet Sky, she decided to let Hogan go.

Vince McMahon Reboots the WWE Universe

It looks like a possible shake up at Stamford in the next coming weeks. Coming hot off the heels of Raw's 1000th episode, Vince McMahon has decided maybe its time to hit the reset button and start fresh. This is a controversial move on McMahon's part, but could lead to some interesting possibilities down the line.

John Cena, WWE's top face will get a complete overhaul to make him more marketable to young teenagers. John Cena will now be played by Andrew Garfield and will spend most of his time moping and crying. In addition to moping, he will also learn nothing from his mistakes, act like a self centered douchebag and bully any white male with long blonde hair.

Basically, he will be just like the old John Cena only now crying and sobbing. One of the main plots that will be part of Cena's new character is his quest to find a certain white male with long blonde hair, failed wrestler and fellow crybaby Andy Levine. John Cena is out for vengeance against this Tough Enough winner who once refused to sell for Cena's father figure, Uncle Ben.

As Cena closes in on Levine, Cena's arch nemesis Kane, now played by Tom Hardy, appears and threatens to destroy the WWE Universe. When Raw is ashes, then Kane will allow Cena to die. Kane is set to for a match at a major pay-per-view where he will break Cena's back and throw him into bottomless pit. As the referee starts the ten count, Cena will stop telling the broken back and climb out of the bottomless pit before the end of the ten count. Cena overcomes the odds once again and defeats Kane because Cena always wins.

Chyna, Bruno Sammartino to be Inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame

A dream will come true the night before the next WrestleMania. Chyna will be inducted into the WWE's Hall of Fame alongside Bruno Sammartino.

Chyna got back into WWE's good favor after making a heartfelt plea to Vince McMahon via Youtube video, whilst holding a purple dildo. Turns out the purple dildo that Chyna was holding was similar to one that Vince McMahon had as a boy in the hills of Colorado before his mother sold him to the bank. Vince even named it Rosebud, after a popular brand of sleds.

About Chyna's emotional meeting with the head of the WWE, she had this to say:

We just held each other and cried.

No matter what WrestleMania's line up looks like this year, the Hall of Fame ceremony looks to be an unforgettable night.

William Regal is the Doctor

WWE Superstar and future Hall of Famer, William Regal will be the latest actor to portray the popular British television character, Doctor Who.

When recasting the iconic character, it has always been tradition to cast a younger actor than previously. However, the folks behind the hit show decided they wanted to move into another direction and explore new possibilities. The writers of Doctor Who promise William Regal will add a whole new dimension to the character.

In a leaked script for the next season premiere, the Daleks are attempting to take over the Earth but the threat ends when the Doctor uses brass knuckles to score a knock out punch on the Daleks.

Reports coming in show a mixed reaction to the leaked script from fans. Some fans don't like the idea of Doctor Who punching things with brass knuckles, but the fact that it's Regal is kind of awesome.

Dana White Buys WCW, Nearly Destroys Space-Time Continuum

This may be the biggest swerve in pro wrestling history. It turns out our earlier report was incorrect. William Regal will not be playing the Doctor on the next season of Doctor Who. Instead, reports are coming in that Regal built his own time travelling machine and has become Doctor Who in real life.

This was the culmination of years of planning. After being forced to kiss Vince McMahon's backside, Regal vowed revenge. He dedicated his entire life developing the time machine in his basement, all the while working for McMahon's WWE.

When the time travelling device finally made its first successful test run, Regal betrayed McMahon by making a sinister deal with competitor Dana White. Utilizing his new Time Lord power, Regal sent White back in time to the year 2001 so the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) President could buy WCW out from under McMahon.

Under White's direction, WCW became a money making property and continued the Monday Night Wars well into 2002 and early 2003. It was in February of 2003 when stresses of all the time paradoxes Regal and White created began to damage the space-time continuum. Space-time began to warp and crash and all existence was on the verge of no longer existing.

The universe was saved at the last minute when Marty McFly managed to get Al to his first wife, so that they could get live happily ever after. This will allow Dr. Sam Beckett to continue leaping to repair whatever residual damage was left by Regal's ill advised adventure in mad science.

Regal now shares a jail cell with Jared Harris. The two plan on collapsing two universes onto each other to create a new universe where Regal is no longer a member of the Kiss Vince McMahon's Ass Club.

TNA is the Number One Wrestling Company in the World

After dropping Hulk Hogan, TNA made a drastic turn around over the past year. After Crackhead Claire won an Oscar for best actress for her role in the remake of Sophie's Choice, she made a triumphant return to the Impact Zone. There, her expert acting skills gave depth and weight to the epic storyline between her and AJ Styles and their crack baby.

AJ Styles soared with the critics with his tortured portrayal of a date rape victim. This was difficult quarry to mine, but TNA has always had the reputation for subtlety and nuance. This controversial subject matter was handled with the sensitivity and good taste that TNA is known for.

The public quickly caught on with what the critics were preaching. Never before had such powerful drama been so expertly executed in the history of fiction. Vince Gilligan has quite television before finishing his own Breaking Bad, knowing that there was no way his show could possibly live up to genius that is TNA's Crackhead Claire Saga.

Ratings and PPV buyrates skyrocketed, sending TNA on the fast track to becoming one of the biggest entertainment powerhouses and a global leader in business. They then merged with Time Warner-AOL, becoming Time Warner-AOL-TNA-WCW. Those last initials a part of the space-time continuum that Dr. Sam Beckett hasn't got around to fixing yet.

On the bright side, there are no longer Mongolian Hordes rampaging through the White House thanks to his efforts. Let's all give a big thanks to Sam, working hard so you don't have to wake up in the morning to find Napoleon in your bathroom.

Dixie Carter finally had her empire. Now all the reality TV stars were begging to meet her instead of her having to pay them to pretend like they give a shit.

WWE turned out to be an easier obstacle to overcome then what experts thought. It was no doubt because of the tragedy that struck the WWE earlier this year at the Hall of Fame awards. Upon the acceptance of the honor, Chyna gave a poignant and heart wrenching speech. The recently rebooted John Cena cried so much that everyone in attendance drowned.

Fate had a cruel twist for Dixie Carter however. At the height of her triumph, Dixie learned a soul destroying truth when she found out that she and her empire were nothing more than a figment of Zack Morris' imagination.

Zack Morris had no comments on the matter.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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