WWE Conjectures Theater: Pipebomb 2.0 [Played as CM Punk]

[Written in first-person format as CM Punk. Includes editors notes in square brackets. Also, if this ends up being Punk's real promo, I will probably faint from shock.]

I imagine you're all wondering what is going on with me. I bet you're wondering why I'd attack the Rock, why I'd just shrug off the Big Show interfering in my title match, and why I could care less about keeping my title by nefarious means. You'd think the guy who claimed to be bringing a revolution, the guy who prides himself on being the best in the world, would be above that, wouldn't he? That such a man would want to prove definitively, in a fair fight, that he is better than anyone, and especially better than John Cena, right? Well, that just shows how gullible each and every one of you really are. The wool has been pulled over the eyes of the WWE Universe, and as much as I would like to take credit for it, sadly, I can't. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of misdirection as well, but the Rock and John Cena have been stringing you along so well that for someone as smart as me, getting my own shots in was almost too easy.

You think I picked "Cult of Personality" as my entrance music because I thought it sounded cool? Not on your lives. For me, my music has to mean something, and in this case, you need only listen carefully to the lyrics to find out what this means.

"Look in my eyes, what do you see? The cult of personality. I know your anger, I know your dreams, I've been everything you want to be."

"I exploit you, still you love me."

"You gave me fortune, you gave me fame."

"I'm every person you need to be."

The song itself is about the power of the charismatic leader. That one person who can get you to do whatever they want you to with a simple word. For over a year, you've been listening intently to what I've had to say, and I've told you everything you want to hear. But I'm not alone, because the Rock and John Cena have been doing the exact same thing. They've played you with their words and seduced you into believing in them. And your response to them has gotten the Rock an undeserved shot at my WWE title at the Royal Rumble, and rest assured I will still be the champion then, and it has gotten Cena a place in the main event of nearly a whole year's worth of pay-per-views, even over me, the WWE Champion. I used you all to get to this [he would lift the belt up at this point], and they used you to try and outdo me. And you have no one to blame but yourselves.

[Imagine booing here.]

Oh sure, go ahead and boo me! If you were in my position, you'd do the same thing! In this business, you do whatever it takes to get to the top, and once you're there, you do everything it takes to stay there! The more of an "outsider" you are, the smarter you have to be! And I did it! I outwitted Cena, I outwitted Jericho, I outwitted Daniel Bryan, and I outwitted every single one of you! And you all fell for it!

Then you fell for the Rock! You believed him when he said he'd never leave, even when he turned right around to go work on a movie. You believed him when he said he was here to stay, and yet he can't even take this seriously enough to not have obvious notes on his wrist. You took him seriously when he said he'd be back at Wrestlemania 28, despite having hardly been around the whole year before. And now you're taking him seriously when he says he's getting a well-deserved title shot at the Royal Rumble. Just because he's a star in multiple media doesn't give him a free pass to the title! If that were the case, wouldn't Brock Lesnar be gunning for my belt instead of running after Cena and Triple H? No, Lesnar knows he's not worthy to be back in the title hunt, but the Rock thinks he is, and he's convinced all of you of that! The Rock isn't here for you. Here's here for one thing: more fame. And you handed it to him on a silver platter. You fools.

And at the same time, Cena starts his little heartwarming speeches about how he's been here for so long and how he'll always be here. I'm pretty sure he told his ex-wife the same thing before he divorced her. But I digress. Whenever he sucks up to you, you eat it up. Even the ones who boo him are still suckered in, because you can't wait to see him get his comeuppance. Here's the dirty little secret, though: he never will. I beat him cleanly TWICE, and it didn't change him. Kane tried his worst [personally, I'd emphasize worst], and Cena still didn't change. The Rock beat him at Wrestlemania, and nothing changed. Cena still comes out here with his latest merch to shill, pops off the same old catchphrases, which I admit I tried myself for a while and found completely annoying, and then does in schtick in the ring and wins in increasingly contrived fashions. And amazingly, you still believe in him even when he can't keep his story straight. One night he says he's badly injured and will have to take time off, and the next he's hardly the worse for wear and says, "Just kidding! I'll never leave you!" And you ate it up like the gullible idiots you are! Just like you ate up the Rock's "I'm coming home" act, and just like you ate up my revolutionary act.

You blindly followed us, even to your own detriment. But now, it really does change. I've exposed the Rock, I've exposed Cena, and I even decided to drop the act myself. You're not getting any more pandering bullcrap from me. And if the Rock and Cena know what's good for them, they'd better come clean as well. If not...I've got the WWE Championship. I hold the upper hand over both of them. And I will expose them for who they are, over and over again if I have to, until all of you see the light. The time of titans and superheroes is about to come to an end. This is where the revolution truly begins. And I could care less if you follow me or not, as long as you see the truth.

[Punk drops the mike like a pipebomb and walks off, his music playing.]

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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