(As always, this will be in character, though in the spirit of the current WWE MO, there will be elements of kayfabe-breaking. Also, double-meaning titles. Yay.)
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. And by "they", I mean "him". And by "him", I mean somebody I've lashed out at before, and someone who deserves...nay, REQUIRES a second dose of Shadowbird verbal bitchslapping. After seeing what this guy has done, and the way he's been acting as of late, Shadowbird knew it was time to don the jacket, wear the beret, and pick up the microphone one more time to give this son of a bitch at least a fraction of what he deserves. And as you can tell, this time, I ain't pullin' any punches, y'all! Let's crank this up to 11!
John Whateveryourmiddlenameis Cena. The ultimate role model in WWE. The uber-face, the Superman, the paragon. Helps grant dying kids' last wishes, donates his time happily to charity, and speaks out against bullying. Well, you all know what I think about that. You all know damn well I think this Paragon's nothing but a delusional Renegade who acts in diametric opposition to what he proclaims to believe. We saw that earlier this year, in his feud with the Big Red Monster. But the more he tries to be this morally-superior figure, and the longer he goes with his pillar being built higher and higher beneath him, the further he has to fall. Here I stand, ready to kick that damn pedestal down.
I mean, really, is this a guy who deserves virtual canonization? Everything he does to appear like this saintly figure is a sham, a fraud, BULL[censored for TV-PG]. He plays to the children while insulting their intelligence with insanely low-brow jokes and a saccharine demeanor that even Yo Gabba Gabba would shy away from. He sets himself up as someone who always does the right and honorable thing, except his respect for authority and the rules is nil. Worst of all, he claims that he is for the end of bullying while he strips and humiliates a weaker person. For the life of me, I can't understand how anyone still cheers for him.
And "loyalty"? Don't get me started on that s[censored for TV-PG]. Oh sure, he's so loyal. He's so loyal that he's dropping his wife over home improvements. He's so loyal that he was macking on his broski's hoeski and didn't seem the least bit apologetic. He's so loyal that if a friend or colleague gets unjustly fired, he won't stick his neck for that person. Oh yeah, real loyal, Cena. Oh, wait, I forgot, he's loyal to WWE and to the WWE Universe, which is why he won't stay away even when he's been fired. Come the f[censored for TV-PG] ON! That's not loyalty; that's the lack of respect I was talking about! If I got fired, do you think I'd bother to show up at my place of work week after week to wreak havoc? Hell no! No sensible person would do that! They'd end up arrested for trespassing or worse! And yet when Cena does it, it's considered "loyalty to the WWE Universe." The same Universe he insults by indirectly saying he doesn't give a s[censored for TV-PG] about what they think when they rightfully boo his ass into the ground.
There are only two things Cena is truly loyal to: money, and his spot. Nothing and no one else matters at all. He's like the neo-Hogan, except that for a while and at certain times in his career, Hogan actually had some redeeming qualities to him. What does Cena have? His charity work, which he claims isn't for good PR and publicity? I believe that like I believe in Xenu. John Cena is the worst kind of demon there is: the kind that masquerades as an angel of light. Hell, he isn't even Superman; he's more like Bizarro, who thinks and acts like he's Superman but is really a galactic-level menace. This boy needs some kryptonite laid on him, and fast. I just wish I could do it myself.