Esteemed Cagesiders, I am not just here to write about professional wrestling. I'm here to impart some life lessons.
If you learn nothing else from me, please take this lesson to heart: You never, ever trust the Big Show.
He's a liar, a cheater, a bully, a charlatan, a grump, a scoundrel and perhaps even a bit of a gigglepuss. He discards his ideals like most people discard the morning newspaper, he abandons causes when the going gets tough, and he is possibly the worst friend in the world.
I've documented dozens of instances of chicanery below in this dossier. Please join me in viewing what a rotten, filthy lying scoundrel this disgrace of a professional wrestler truly is.
Warning: There are dozens of videos after the jump, for those with slower or problematic computers.Big Show's wrestling career began in 1995 as the Giant in WCW. He billed himself as the son of André the Giant (surprise, surprise -- that was a lie), seeking revenge against Hulk Hogan.
He eventually came to represent WCW as their top champion, and was the first domino to fall when Hogan, Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash formed the New World Order, losing the title to Hogan at Hog Wild 1996.
So what did he do instead of fight? He turns against his compadres in WCW just a few months later to join the external threat on his employer.
Then only a few months later, he screwed up at Starrcade 1996 by failing to help Hogan when he needed him in his battle against the wretched Roddy Piper. So he turns his back on the nWo, and rejoins the suckers in WCW.
When it became clear that the nWo wasn't going anywhere, he joins the Hogan's nWo Hollywood group in spring 1998 to battle Nash's nWo Wolfpac group. (Note: This is one of the more out-of-nowhere turns I can ever recall)
Instead of fully embracing the reconstituted new nWo with Hogan, Nash, Hall, Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell, and Scott Steiner in January 1999, he lets his problems with Nash get in the way. He then falls in a loser leaves town match.
Paul Wight, soon to be known as the Big Show, debuts in WWE by emerging from underneath the ring during the Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon cage match at St. Valentine's Day Massacre in February 1999. Cool, but then he immediately screws up by tossing Stone Cold threw the cage and onto the floor, giving Austin the win.
After screwing up again by getting disqualified against Mankind at WrestleMania 15, the ingrate punches out a rightfully furious Vince McMahon.
Big Show joins the Union in spring 1999 along with Mankind, Test and Ken Shamrock, showing socialist tendencies to say the least. Go back to Russia, you damned pinko!
Then when that labor movement is thankfully crushed, he joins up with the demonic Undertaker in summer 1999 to form the Unholy Alliance. So basically he's gone against two pillars of America: capitalism and religion.
Then, deciding he wanted to have fan support, he used his father's death for sympathy and snuck into a Survivor Series 1999 main event and won the WWE title.
After he lost the title and failed to win the 2000 Royal Rumble, he gets angry at The Rock for a personal slight and began blaming him for all his personal problems.
He becomes a devious prankster in spring 2000, even fooling Kurt Angle into thinking he was going into battle with Hulk Hogan at Backlash.
After he'd feuded with Shane McMahon and been out with injury, he returns to join Shane and swerved the Undertaker in summer 2000..
Big Show was sent to developmental not long afterward when he'd gained a bunch of weight. He returned at the Royal Rumble 2001 and was still rather chunky. And still quite temperamental.
He betrayed WCW's Shane McMahon in spring 2001 after being convinced by Vince McMahon to stay with WWE, showing an adeptness at playing the sides against each other. I'd almost admire the cleverness, if he wasn't so contemptible. (Plus it made us sit through more Shane McMahon matches.)
Amazingly enough, Big Show stayed loyal to WWE through the invasion era. But that changed in 2002 once Raw and Smackdown split. He joined the nWo and turned on Stone Cold Steve Austin in spring 2002. It was probably his fault that the nWo disintegrated soon afterward, come to think of it.
He was adrift after that, losing a bunch of matches to Booker T and Jeff Hardy. He played Stephanie McMahon and Eric Bischoff against each other. Then when he finally gets his wish and is traded to Smackdown in fall 2002, he becomes an unstoppable force again. The only logical explanation is that he was tanking..
Also, upon his joining Smackdown, he tosses the Undertaker off a stage for no reason.
Then he convinced Paul Heyman to betray Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series 2002 and allow him to become WWE champion.
His success around this time prompts silly questions like whether he or André the Giant was better.
The glutton steals burritos meant for the Guerreros in fall 2003 and is forced to abandon Orlando Jordan mid-match because of the effects on his bowels.
After losing to Eddie Guerrero and being forced to quit WWE in April 2004, the sore loser threatens Torrie Wilson, then severely injures general manager Kurt Angle.
Upon his return in fall 2004, Big Show engages in deception by ripping up contract to face Guerrero and instead signing a contract to face Angle.
The video evidence is missing (probably suppressed by Big Show), but he ruins a celebration by John "Bradshaw" Layfield after losing fair and square to him at No Way Out 2005.
He even fail in aspects in which he is supposed to be the best: Big Show proves he is not as good at being big and fat as Akebono is heading into WrestleMania 21..
In fall 2005, Big Show joins a team with fellow ne'er-do-well Kane, who has his own history of double-crossing his partners and displaying poor sportmanship and manners. In one instance, the two giants double chokeslam poor Rey Mysterio.
Big Show has an arm injury (probably faked) and threatens to injure Triple H with his cast in January 2006..
He and Kane even lose their tag team belts to the Spirit Squad in April 2006. There's nothing treacherous about this, but how embarrassing. Afterward, instead of being sympathetic to his friend Kane who was tormented by hearing voices, he feuds with him.
After WWE had supported him for so many years, he defects to ECW in battle royal and betrays Randy Orton in June 2006.
He wins ECW title in July 2006 by somehow convincing Paul Heyman to turn on Rob Van Dam. What sway Show had over Heyman.
Showing sexual depravity, he allows Triple H and Shawn Michaels to shove Vince McMahon's face into his rear end in fall 2006.
After leaving ECW like a coward following his December 2006 title loss, the big man comes back in February 2008 to bully Rey Mysterio and confront Floyd Mayweather, who socks him good in the nose.
Despite this, he somehow manipulates fans into thinking he's the good guy against Mayweather, even when throwing him out of the ring during a weigh-in.
Despite not being involved in this battle royal in August 2008, he attacks all the competitors, just because Vickie Guerrero forgot to include him in a qualifying match for the title.
Like he has so many times before, he forms an alliance with someone who he had been against (Vickie Guerrero) and destroys the Undertaker out of nowhere in September 2008.
Despite Vickie being Edge's wife, he tries to engage in a sexual relationship with her in spring 2009.
He shows lack of hospitality to special guest referee Shaquille O'Neal in July 2009.
He betrays Team Raw at Bragging Rights in October 2009 so that he can get a title shot (sorry about the awful music in this clip).
He refuses to stand by his partner Chris Jericho after Jericho was banned from Raw in December 2009.
Footage is not available of this, but he turns against his tag partner Miz and becomes friends with Teddy Long upon joining Smackdown again in April 2010.
Once there, he proves himself a pest and a poor sport again when he destroys World champion Jack Swagger's trophies and awards in May 2010.
He introduces a giant ladder to use at Money In The Bank, because he thinks he's too fancy for regular ladders, and he also rips off CM Punk's mask just to be a jerk in July 2010.
He chokeslams Dudebusters, who only want to be on the Smackdown team for Bragging Rights in October 2010.
Since this is a Flair-and-Balanced piece, I'll mention the one good thing I could find. He participated in this amusing celebration with Santino, Kane, Kozlov, Tamina and Kofi Kingston in March 2011.
He stood in front of Ricardo Rodriguez's car and caused an accident, forcing an increase in Rodriguez's insurance premiums in spring 2011.
He attacked and beat up Mark Henry for no reason in June 2011.
Since he was afraid losing and being embarrassed by Daniel Bryan in January 2012, he attacked his girlfriend AJ instead.
Sure, he finally broke his WrestleMania futility streak by beating Cody Rhodes. Fine. But then he gets personal by impersonating Dusty Rhodes and mocking Cody in April 2012.
He was mean to Raw and Smackdown general manager John Laurinaitis, who had no choice but to humiliate and fire him afterward in May 2012. It was the right thing for business.
So to sum up: The Big Show is an awful disgrace and you should never, ever trust him, especially if you are battling someone who has recently humiliated him in some way. Note to John Cena: you might want to watch your back against Laurinaitis at Over the Limit on Sunday (May 20, 2012).
(Thanks to Online World of Wrestling for jogging my memory on some of the particulars. And YouTube for existing)