DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA - JULY 08: The Big Red Monster Kane during the WWE Smackdown Live Tour at Westridge Park Tennis Stadium on July 08, 2011 in Durban, South Africa. (Photo by Steve Haag/Gallo Images/Getty Images)
It was 45 years ago today Mama 'Taker gave birth to WWE's most famous bastard.
No, I'm not talking about CM Punk so sit down and shut up, Chris Jericho.
I'm talking about Kane, The Undertaker's half brother and resident WWE Highlander Paul Bearer.
It was four and a half decades -- and nine months -- ago Bearer shacked up with "The Phenom's" mama and conceived his younger -- but not little -- brother. Of course, despite Papa 'Taker being a quiet and modest mortician, he had a mean streak a mile long, so his wife's indiscretion was kept secret long past their deaths. It wouldn't be until Kane showed up in WWE that the truth would finally be revealed.
Well, not quite.
Kane was hanging around WWE for a while. First as Isaac Yankem, a psycho dentist modeled after his hero and mentor, Dr. Giggles, and then later as a character modeled after his second hero and the greatest professional wrestler ever, Diesel.
It can be understood that Kane, living in the shadow of his much more famous brother, would try to make a name for himself. But like the truth behind his conception, the truth of who he really was couldn't be kept hidden for long and he finally appeared in WWE as Kane at Badd Blood, causing his half-brother his Hell in a Cell match against Shawn Michaels.
Since then, he's fought for both the forces of good and evil, joined and battled The Undertaker, lost and gained the mask and won just about every title WWE has in its arsenal.
With such a laundry list of accomplishments, what could one possibly buy Kane for his birthday that he doesn't already have?
Lighters - Cheap but easy. You can't go wrong with this choice but Kane will totally know you bought it at the Walgreens on the way to the party.
Moisturizer - A year ago, this gift would have been useless but now that Kane's mug is back underneath a mask, he needs to make sure his skin stays nice and soft. I don't know about you but my skin chafes something fierce each and every Halloween. Now imagine that each and every day! Sure, all the hotties in slutty costumes would be dope but still...
Father and Son by Edmund Gosse - If this past Monday wasn't indication enough, it's been obvious for years the relationship between Kane and his daddy, Bearer, isn't what one would call ideal. Granted, the pale, chubby mortician's assistant wasn't there for Kane when he really needed him during those awkward teen years -- I can only imagine the poor guy going through puberty -- but a boy only has but one father. Despite Bearer's almost supernatural aversion to death, Kane should try to mend the relationship before it's too late.
Therapy sessions - This one might seem easy given Kane's history with his father, his half-brother and any number of WWE Superstars. He tried to commit patricide on Monday and depending on his mood, will try to do away with The Undertaker, as well. Or he will hunt down guys like poor Rey Mysterio for supposedly leaving 'Taker in a vegetative state all the while being responsible for the attack! A guy like that needs some serious professional help. I'm sure Randy Orton would agree. "The Apex Predator" shakes his hand after a match like A YEAR AGO and is getting beat up for it now. That's just not healthy.
Blow-up doll - Hey, it's better than Katie Vick.
Any other gift ideas you may have, Cagesiders? Also, have you RSVP'ed to his birthday party this weekend? I would go but each and every year is the same. Everyone tries to have a good time despite Kane standing over us and breathing heavily.