Oh, come on... you can't expect me to believe that hurt!
I can't tell you how many times I said that while watching a professional wrestling match.
And granted, rasslin' isn't exactly on the up and up so you could logically say that the entire time but I'm not a jerk and like to enjoy myself.
There are some moves, though, where I simply can't suspend my disbelief.
They are so ridiculous, so choreographed and telegraphed that it just about ruins my viewing experience.
Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration but the moves are absolutely ridiculous. You know which ones I'm talking, Cagesiders.
Let's take a look at the list after the jump.
5. The People's Elbow
4. Shake, Rattle and Roll
3. Five Knuckle Shuffle
The first three finishers on this list form some kind of unholy trinity of terrible moves. They all have the same setup: opponent is dazed and laying on the mat while the perpetrator does something ridiculous before hitting the move itself.
The Rock nearly gets a pass because he's got so much damn swagger but an elbow drop is an elbow is an elbow drop. My favorite one was when he acted like he wasn't going to hit it but did so anyway. Still a damn elbow drop, though.
Shake, Rattle and Roll would have been fifth since it's a knee drop and thinking logically, a knee is is harder than an elbow but damn if The Rock doesn't make it work. Road Dogg, for a white dude with braids and the side of his head shaved, was pretty charismatic as well.
John Cena CAN be engaging but most of the time, he's just a smirking jackass who says, "I do it for you" every five minutes. And not only that, but the move is a punch! A punch after the most ridiculous hand gesture and then followed by the second most ridiculous one.
Cena just better be glad he wasn't a two-timer on today's list with that fireman's carry he calls the Attitude Adjustment.
2. The Worm
I could have lumped this move when with the previous three but it deserves an entry all its own.
The fact that Too Cool were insanely popular has to be the result of a deal with the devil Jerry Lawler made. Racism is almost always prevalent in wrestling but this took it took a new level. It was this weird "this is what we think white people think black people dress like" type of meta-racism.
The worst part about it is Scott Garland kind of has to always play some variant of the Scotty 2 Hotty character, even in his 40s, for anyone to know who he is when he wrestles an indie show. Also, according to his Wikipedia, he is a "Walt Disney World aficionado." He and I would start The Aficionado Podcast Network.
And The Worm. Watch the video. First he does some little kid freakout stepping thing and then the crowd spells out the word with every one of Scotty's jumps. He starts doing The Worm, hops up and pretends he's got a samurai sword or something and then chops the dude!
1. The Stink Face
Are you kidding me?!
I don't think Rikishi actually used this as a finisher but c'mon... C'MON! He rubs his butt in the guy's face and they react like they just emerge from quicksand.
What's even worse is when Kelly Kelly does it. It sort of makes sense because Rikishi was/is dangerously obese but Kelly's booty is nowhere near that size. It's actually quite small. But yet Divas flail around like a bed-ridden hospital patient fighting off an "Angel of Death" nurse.
What say you, Cagesiders? How brilliant and/or stupid am I?