For any of you younger Cagesiders out there, make a half-circle around Ol' Man Sergio and allow me to regale with a far-fetched tale.
There was once a time in WWE when two men would form an alliance and do battle against two other men who had formed a similar alliance. These duos were known as tag teams.
You will barely see anything resembling such a thing nowadays on Raw but I assure they were real. Sure, you might want to say to me, "But Pop Pop, Carlito and his brother are the tag champions I thought." To which I reply, "No, silly. First off, that's not Carlito. It's his cousin. That's kind of racist. And secondly, those gaudy pieces of tin they lug around with gladiator helmets on them aren't the tag team championships."
The tag team straps used be to contested by partnerships like The Hart Foundation, The Legion of Doom, Demo-freakin'-lition! Heck, you could even count The Rockers, Strikeforce and The Nasty Boys as some of the mainstays in the upper echelon of the tag division.
There were so many duos, there were even LOUSY tag teams. Well, I shouldn't say lousy. But they were definitely of their time. So without further adieu, I present you with the top five tag teams from the early 1990s.
Bust out the Nirvana and Boyz II Men CDs and get ready to time travel!
Honorable mention: The Heavenly Bodies and Tekno Team 2000
The Bodies get a mention simply because the level of self-awareness -- which was lost on me as a child -- was awesome and hilarious. These guys weren't obese or even really fat but their bodies were far from "heavenly." And Tekno Team 2000? These guys were supposed to represent the future and apparently in the year 2000, everyone wore silver smocks that made them look like 1950s beauty school dropouts.
5. The Quebecers
Good gravy, look at how shiny and tan they are. Teaming up as The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers a few years prior, Iceman on the left there was repackaged as The Mountie. You remember him, right? Canadian blowhard with a penchant for using his taser at a moment's notice. Come to think of it, the way police officers act now, The Mountie was just ahead of his time.
But I digress. The Canadian government wasn't all too pleased about this psychopath supposedly representing their law enforcement so the gimmick was tweaked and his "brother" was brought back to assist him. They generally were jerks to the fan favorites, wore aviators, assumedly drank a ton of maple syrup and even won the titles three times.
4. The Natural Disasters
I cried -- CRIED -- when Earthquake squished Hulk Hogan on the set of The Brother Lover Show. I hated him for what he did and I was beyond delighted when Hogan came back and got his revenge.
But when Hogan's pal, Tugboat, pulled the same stunt, I didn't really care. Let that be a lesson to all you Cagesiders: no one likes a copycat.
Tugboat changed his name to Typhoon and The Natural Disasters were born. It was seriously a stroke of genius. The WWE had two huge dudes on their roster, one fan favorite and one rulebreaker. And while Earthquake was already established as a villain, it was much easier to turn Tugboat.
They both eventually turned fan favorite when the audience decided they hated Money, Inc. -- more on them in a bit -- more and cheered the big lugs. They broke up after the 1993 Royal Rumble when Typhoon entered and Earthquake -- like a jerk -- began attacking him until he was eliminated.
3. Men on a Mission
The most '90s team ever?
Probably the first actual hype man in WWE history, Mo accompanied the super-sized Mabel to the ring in colorful outfits like the kind you'd see on the first two seasons of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You know, back when they still had the original mom. Their gimmick was kind of like that street wise thug turned straight and tried to keep kids from joining gangs through the power of hip hop. They even had a rapping manager who disappeared off the face of the planet.
My fondest memory of Mable was during the 1995 King of the Ring -- after Men on a Mission's rulebreaker turn -- when he was wrestling Savio Vega in front of a Philadelphia crowd and they began to chant, "ECW! ECW! ECW!" By that point, I'd only heard whispers of the promotion online and saw advertisements in Pro Wrestling Illustrated.
Right then I knew it was real.
Oh, and Mable ended up winning.
2. Money, Inc.
Everyone hates the guy who has more money than them and flaunts. And everyone hates the Internal Revenue Service.
When these two money-centric wrestler teamed up, it was like a match made in heaven albeit a section of heaven that's gated.
These guys were so evil that even Jimmy Hart -- JIMMY FREAKIN' HART -- cut himself loose at one point. This was a guy who stood behind King Kong Bundy, Honky Tonk Man, The Nasty Boys and a slew of other dastardly rulebreakers but the levels of depravity exhibited by Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Shyster were simply too much for the megaphone lover to bear.
The last time I saw Jimmy Hart -- aside from his hair plug commercial -- was in 2006 outside the Impact Zone at Universal Studios. I was there to catch some TNA action and he was mixing it up with the common folk, drumming up interest for the show. He promised Goldberg, Hulk Hogan, John Cena and I'm pretty sure he even told a little kid Andre the Giant would be there.
1. The Smoking Gunns
It seems these days WWE couldn't form a tag team if their life depended on it. Back in the early '90s, they just got two guys, said they were brothers and gave them a generic defining characteristic.
"You guys are Canadians. You guys are from the future. You guys are hillbilly pig farmers."
From Billy and Bart Gunn, The Smoking Gunns, it was cowboy.
Billy at least somewhat pulled off the mustache but Bart just looked flat out awful. It's no wonder the former found infinite more success than the latter. While Bart was getting legit KOed by Butterbean, Billy was one-half of the most defining tag team of the Attitude Era.
Yeah, I'm talking about Billy and Chuck. What other duo would I be referring to?
And or what it's worth, I think Sunny was at her hottest during her days managing these two. Skimpy top, cut-off shorts and cowboy boots? She was like the foxiest Portland hipster of all-time.