With the WWE Elimination Chamber pay-per-view (PPV) less than one week away, I can't think of a better way for a wrestling fan to pass the time than trying to figure out who Sheamus will be competing against at said PPV.
The top stars in the company are already booked in Elimination Chamber matches and Ambulance matches, so there honestly aren't many star candidates left.
So how will Sheamus be used this Sunday at Elimination Chamber?
Here are a few ways:
Singles Squash Match
This is his specialty, after all. And look at all the available jobbers to choose from! There's Jack Swagger, Jinder Mahal, David Otunga, Drew McIntyre, Tyson Kidd, William Regal, Heath Slater, Hunico. One of these guys has a chance to get the word "job" or "jobber" forever engraved in their ring name, just like Job Swagger and Jobber Mahal before them. How about Drew McInjobber?
Handicapped Squash Match
The tag division sucks. So what's the best way to make use of those tag straps at the Elimination Chamber PPV? Feed them to Sheamus! In fact why not feed the entire tag division to Sheamus? All the top stars get a chance to do that at some point, right?
Gauntlet Squash Match
Let's face it, Sheamus needs to end this squashing spree he's been on in style before he moves on to his WrestleMania program. What better way to do that than by having him destroy each and every jobber on the roster one after the other? This is the kind of match you just can't expect to receive on free TV. Heath Slater is worth it ... maybe.
Beat the Jobber AND the Clock Funk-Off Squash Match
Think about it: One ring. One big white Irish guy that people love. One big Funkasaurus from Planet Funk who is funky. One clock. Endless jobbers. Who can beat the most jobbers in five minutes?
(This match could never happen because Sheamus would always lose, even if he was booked to win.)
In-Ring Squash Segment
It's been two whole years since William Regal came out at Elimination Chamber 2010 and was speared by that year's Royal Rumble winner (Edge) during an in-ring promo. Why not have Sheamus continue this tradition? I'm pretty sure that's one of the main contractual perks of winning the Royal Rumble. Besides having the option to curtain-jerk WrestleMania, you also have the option of interrupting a Regal promo at Elimination Chamber by hitting him with your finisher, posing, and being completely irrelevant for the rest of the show. Will Sheamus exercise this option? One side benefit to this option is that it gives Regal additional time to offer more details about what's going on inside his attic.
It's just fun to do. And it's still more humane than whatever Kane is doing to her these days.
Ricardo's entrance alone would make it more interesting than any match Sheamus has been involved in for the last four months.
Squash Dolph Ziggler
Dolph would somehow manage to make Sheamus look like a million bucks, even in a squash match. And this can continue Dolph's destiny of losing multiple matches at every single PPV this year. Just wait until he loses in the Money in the Bank match and to Mae Young at WrestleMania 28. This man is such a showoff!
Buried Alive Squash Match
This one is simple. Sheamus vs. Triple H vs. Alberto Del Rio where the winner is the man who can bury The Miz the fastest. That's way more entertaining than that phony Ambulance match garbage.
Video Package Squash
Did you see all those video packages last week on Raw? Well that was just free TV. Think about how epic a PPV video package would be. WWE's production team could put together a truly awe-inspiring compilation of the greatest Sheamus squashes of all-time, set to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy." Sheamus is such an inspiration to us all and makes us all want to be better and more efficient at destroying the hopes and dreams of those less fortunate and gifted than us. Like Chavo Guerrero.
Sheamus vs an actual Squash
Ric Flair can wrestle a broomstick to a five-star match. Big deal. Just wait until you see what Sheamus can do when he wrestles against an actual squash.
Well I have run out of ideas for who or what else Sheamus can squash this Sunday night. But now it's time to hear from you, Cagesiders.
What type of squash match do you want to see Sheamus participate in at Elimination Chamber?