Last night on Raw, you came out, accepted your loss with dignity and grace, offered your hand to the Big Show, demonstrated your humility, and set an example to younger viewers about good sportsmanship. You acted like a true face in the PG era of WWE should. Big Show then played the heel and bully, disparaging your race and ancestry. This then gave you proper justification (in wrestling logic anyway) to, as Chuck D once said, "whip his ass until it ain't no fun". You were the shining example of a true face last night. More of this please. Good job, fella.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for putting over The Shield in such a big way at TLC. Thank you for putting over Cody Rhodes as legitimate, both on last night's (Dec. 17) Raw and TLC. You are doing the job that, quite frankly, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler ought to be doing, but WWE has them shilling cellphone apps all night. WWE needs to use its commentary to put over its wrestlers, and not iPhones, TOUT and Twitter. Cole and Lawler could be much more effective on commentary if management didn't have them constantly shoving their social media down the audience's collective throats. Personally, I would like to see a permanent three-man team with JBL on Raw. Cole and Lawler can put over whatever management wants them to put over, while JBL could put the wrestlers in the ring over. I'd be happy with that. Speaking of The Shield...
Good work with The Shield. The booking with them and Ryback has been smart and solid. Having them dominate at TLC by being a more organized, and better team, really put them over big. They are a true threat to WWE, can actually stand, and are willing and able to fight their own battles. This angle has a lot of potential, please don't screw this up.
Please, don't wear purple anymore. The thing is this, you have a Hungry Hungry Hippo gimmick. So, when I see you on TV in purple, all I can think of is: "One-eyed, One-horned, Giant Purple-People-Eater". You want to be seen as the unstoppable bad ass, not as the unholy demon spawn of Grimace and the Hamburglar.
Also: Please don't quote any member of the Hart family again.
Also, Also: Please start calling your fans the Little Hungries. The fans will love it.
Dear WWE Universe,
Stop chanting Goldberg at Ryback. I know, big bald dude getting a monster push automatically equals Goldberg. But honestly, when I watch Ryback, I get more flashbacks to the Ultimate Warrior than I do of Goldberg. Egotistical delusions of grandeur? Just like the Warrior! Ryback is even using his own bizarre version of English -- just like the Warrior did! Who can forget Ryback's poetic exclamation of "I hit hard!" Upon Saint Crispin's Day indeed.
Dear John Cena,
Never do a monkey flip again. The one you did at TLC was an insult to both flips and monkeys. You need to realize that you are not a real wrestler in the way that Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler, or even Triple H and the Undertaker, are real wrestlers. You are a gimmick. Just stick with that. Hogan was smart enough during his time at the top of the WWF to understand this. The man knew his limitations and played to his strengths. Which was Hulking up and delivering comically fake looking punches. Hulk Hogan could do two moves which looked good, a body slam and a leg drop. One of those was his finisher. You already do the worlds ugliest STF and vertical suplex, you don't need to add the world's ugliest monkey flip as well.
Also: Screwing Dolph Ziggler out of his chance to win the World Heavyweight Title, not cool. We know you didn't do this because you thought it was morally wrong for him to take advantage of an unconscious Big Show. We all know you don't give a shit about the Big Show because you did nothing to help him when he was fired earlier this year. You did it because a woman hurt you. That is the kind of coward you are. AJ turned on you when you were wrestling for a briefcase (which you had no right to wrestle for anyway). You can't hurt her back, so you hurt Ziggler out of petty vengeance, like the coward you are. This was also after you cut a promo about hustle, loyalty and respect when being served a Slammy which you didn't deserve. Did you offer it to anyone in the back who has been busting their ass all year? No, you gave it to Ric Flair, who deserves a lifetime achievement award, but not this one. Once again, you shit all over everyone else in the company to make yourself look like the selfless hero. Dick-face indeed.
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