I THE MIGHTY METHTRON OF TNA HAVE COME FORTH TO SPEAK TO YOU OF THE FUTURE! BEHOLD MY WORDS AND DESPAIR MORTALS! FOR MY FORESHADOWING IS MOST FOREBODING! HERE ARE THE EVENTS THAT SHALL COME TO PASS IN TNA!
Hulk Hogan will release another sex tape, this time with a woman who looks suspiciously like Brooke Hogan. Fear not, it will not be her because that would be totally gross and unnecessary.
Austin Aries will continue to rip off CM Punk by becoming increasingly irrelevant by constantly playing second fiddle to a star that somehow is more popular, yet no one seems to like.
In the coming months, Austin Aries will fight for respect by beating Kurt Angle repeatedly for six months straight. Sting will then tell Aries the only way to get respect will be to defeat Kurt Angle at the 2016 Olympics in a four hour Iron Man match without losing a single fall. Austin Aries will accomplish this, only to be told by Hulk Hogan on the next Impact! that to get respect he must then beat Kurt Angle at the next PPV in a cage match.
Aces and Eights will forget that Devon is a member of their stable. TNA will then forget that Devon is on the payroll.
Christopher Daniels will release a sex tape of AJ Styles and Dixie Carter. It will be horrendous.
In vengeance, AJ Styles will release a sex tape of Christopher Daniels and Samoa Joe. It will be sublime.
TNA will then remember that Samoa Joe still works for them and decide to give him the television title, only to remember that he already has it.
Eric Young's fishing show will continue to be the only thing that propels his career forward. Unless it has already been cancelled. When Methtron turns his mighty gaze at Animal Planet, all Methtron sees is My Cat From Hell.
TNA will always be the most highbrow show that Spike TV ever airs. Still, they are not as bad as G4 or TLC. Seriously, the shows on TLC give Methtron the creeps and Methtron has seen porn with Chyna in it. METHRON SEES ALL, most unfortunately.
The Aces and Eights storyline will never, ever end. Ever.
TNA will announce that Ric Flair is the leader of Aces and Eights, forgetting that he hates their company and wants to work for the WWE.
Eric Bischoff will then be revealed as the other leader of Aces and Eights to the thunderous sound of confusion and apathy of the TNA fans.
TNA will forget that Joseph Park is still being held by Aces and Eights.
Abyss will come back with a new gimmick of hard boiled detective, in attempt to find his missing brother. The storyline will then drag on for seven months with crappy backstage segments until TNA's writers forget about it.
RVD will lose the X-Title to Mr. Kennedy. The internet will then explode in rage and hate.
Sonjay Dutt will defeat Samoa Joe for the television title in an awesome match, then completely disappear from television.
Bubba Ray will continue to be the best thing going in TNA, despite doing absolutely nothing at all.
Kurt Angle will continue to have great but insignificant matches.
The Knock-Outs will continue to not matter or be paid a decent wage.
Robert Roode and James Storm will feud for the next three years because TNA has nothing better for them to do.
Joseph Park will haunt the Impact Zone. Dixie Carter will then hire the Ghost Hunters to search for signs of an intelligent haunting in TNA. They will find evidence of a haunting, but no evidence of intelligence in TNA.
Jason and Steve of Ghost Hunters will then win the TNA tag team belts.
Chavo Guerrero Jr. will continue to use Eddie in a desperate attempt to get over just like he has for his entire career.
Hernandez will continue to pretend that Chavo is a legit legend while secretly wishing he was tagging with Giant Gonzales instead.
Jeff Hardy will continue to be TNA champion for all of eternity, pass the confines of space-time itself until the WWE offers him a bunch of money.
THESE ARE THE WORDS OF THE MIGHTY METHTRON! SACRED BELT OF THE CREATURES AND SPEAKER OF PROPHECY! BEHOLD AND DESPAIR!