(Experimental series; written in the style of a wrestling promo. Character is a tweener.)
The lights are set, the mic is hot...
HEEEEEEEEELLO CAGESIDE SEATS!
You all may not know me, or maybe you've seen me around on some of the posts around here. So allow me to introduce myself properly. I am the Shadowbird. I am, quite simply, a man who has had enough. I've seen a lot of crazy things go down, things that offend my sense of logic. It is my right and my destiny to call these things out of darkness and into the light, and with the universe as my witness, I will do so tonight! Some of you might like what I have to say, and some of you might not. To those of you who do, I have no problem with that. To those of you who don't, if you don't have anything helpful to say, then shut up!
Now, let's get down to business. See, there's one thing I've been seeing that's been pissing this boy the hell off. WWE Raw, every Monday night, there's this guy running around...no, scratch that, he doesn't run, at least not unless someone's trying to beat his ass down...there's this guy SITTING down, running his mouth, acting like a jackass and throwing about 99% of the wrestlers under the bus. Now, I don't know why he's doing this, but it doesn't matter. This boy needs a Shadowbird-style shoutdown. I'm talking of course about *sarcasm* everyone's favorite play-by-play announcer, Michael Cole.
I don't know how many of you know this, but Michael Cole used to be somebody special. He used to be a broadcast journalist, and I mean for real. He used to cover wars. Hell, something a little close to this Oklahoman's heart, he covered the Murrah Building Bombing! And he's happily married, so his wife had to have seen something endearing in him at some point. But what the hell happened to this guy? Okay, so he's the play-by-play guy for WWE. That would be all well and good, except HE'S ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE! How the mighty have fallen!
I don't know who is writing this crap for him, but he's burying wrestlers at every turn. Zack Ryder, CM Punk, Daniel Frickin' Bryan...about the only guy I've never heard him try and bury is the Miz, but the Miz does a damn good job of burying himself, so that's a wash. He puts next to no one over, the only exceptions I can think of being the Miz and HIMSELF. Hell, I'm convinced the only reason he was the sole recipient of the Anonymous Raw GM's emails most of the time was because he was sending them to himself in an effort to make himself look important! He's inserted himself into feuds, sparked feuds with other commentators, including one that was practically retired, and he doesn't know when to quit! Even getting the beatdown of his life won't shut him up; he just comes back even louder. He's like a Super Saiyan fused with a troll. ...Super Trollan?
For the life of me, I can't figure out why anyone would think this would be a good idea. I know it's not all him; I know he's got the bug in his ear with someone from on high telling him what to say, but I still can't imagine why anyone would want to do this! Call me crazy, but how is someone running down almost your entire roster week after week good for business? Pay-per-view buys are tumbling, ratings are the lowest they've been in years...and why is it? You can't put it all on the talent in the ring; after all, some of them are the most damned talented wrestlers in the business, both in the ring and on the mic! We've got CM Punk, the WWE Champion, who could easily have the crowd eating out of his hand the whole time if he was booked consistently...but that's something for another time. We have Daniel Bryan on top on Smackdown, holding the World Heavyweight Championship, having wrestled for just a shade over a decade, and he's having a hard time getting over because of this jackass spouting someone's terrible idea week in, week out! And people wonder why ratings and PPV buys are down; booking's only part of the picture! You can't build a business when the one person who talks the most is tearing everyone down!
If Cole were a color commentator and saying these things, maybe this would be mitigated somewhat. After all, color commentators don't talk near as much, and they're not tasked with putting the moves of the match over. Cole can't be a jackass and call the match at the same time! It's im-freakin'-possible, I tell ya! How the hell are the fans supposed to get into a match when Michael Cole's talking more about Twitter and how X wrestler is a loser than he is about what the hell is happening in front of our eyes? How are they supposed to care when he brings the show to a screeching halt for 10 minutes to lay a verbal beatdown on his colleagues? And how in the blazing Inferno are they supposed to believe in a champion when said champion is being called a NERD and a fluke EVERY! BLOODY! WEEK!
I don't give a damn who is behind this, and I don't care who's writing this, they need to be fired. No, scratch that, they need to be taken out in the alley, beaten into unconsciousness, and then fired! And that goes for anyone who's behind it; I don't even care if that person is Vincent Kennedy McMahon himself! If WWE is ever going to evolve, if it is ever going to grow again, and if it is ever going to remain relevant into the future, many things have got to change, and this is one of them. So Michael Cole, for the sake of the business, and specifically for the sake of the WWE, do us all a favor. SHUT. THE HELL. UP. Otherwise, if this insanity continues, expect WWE to fall to the shadows. Where I will be waiting, and where I will be laughing my head off at your hubris.