Cageside Quote: Hulk Hogan calls Ultimate Warrior an ass clown who couldn't do business

It’s funny how that sentence is true for both Warrior and Hulk, yet neither seem to realize this isn’t 1990.

Looking back, he was a joke. However, the fact that Hogan & Nash are looking like clowns because of him, makes me like him a bit again.

This is the man that as of one hour ago is being reported by TMZ as saying a dentist left a TACK in his mouth and they had to drill a hole in his face! Who’s the ass clown again?

Obviously not technically, but to achieve the amount of success he did in the short time he did it in has to be respected.

All too often we get sucked into the misconception that Warrior is an enemy to wrestling and wrestlers, but he’s actually what most (99%) wrestlers aspire to be in their career.

Come in, do as little as possible for the most amount of money, leave, move on. Who really cares if he couldn’t wrestle? Were you not entertained?

Warrior understands wrestling for what it is, not what others want it to be. Don’t believe the hype. Any wrestler who bashes Warrior would make trade careers with him in a heartbeat, believe that.

It’s hard to feel sympathy for anybody in this situation.

On the one hand, I respect Jim Hellwig for the impact he had on the business (especially in such a short space of time), and the fact that he got in, made a ton of money, then got out.

On the other, he’s a helplessly deluded blowhard who clearly hasn’t left the house in over a decade.

Everything he’s attempted outside of wrestling has failed: Acting, comic books, right-wing motivational speaker, selling Warrior work-out kits, or any other media property with which he’s attempted to exploit his Warrior Philosophy.

…Not to mention the fact that he legally changed his name to an improper noun, can’t seem to get along with anybody in a personal or professional capacity, will sue you for spelling his name wrong, his abortion of a “comeback” in Spain, and his desperate publicity-seeking stunt that was his Hogan “expose”. They don’t paint the picture of someone with a centered life post-wrestling.

Nash, on the other hand, hasn’t contributed anything meaningful to the business since Clinton was President, but still manages to have a career in it. And yeah. He’s 52 years old and still picking fights with people (does anybody in wrestling EVER grow up and move on with their livesl?

And of course, Hogan, who like Nash won’t ever go home, and like Warrior bombs in the real business world: Pastamania, movies that nobody cares about, two canceled reality shows and Hogan Championship wrestling, American Gladiators, and wasn’t he trying to pimp juicemakers or grillers some time ago?

The Warrior-Nash feud really speaks to disturbing, infantalized culture among the wrestlers whereby, despite being middle-aged, still carry around the brutish swagger of high school jocks.

Like when you hear 51-year-old Marty Jannetty talking about “struttin’ and strollin’” or you see 48-year-old Brian Knobbs, still with the same 1984 mullet-hawk, acting as if he just walked out of a frat party.

How about 53-year-old Scott Hall and 40-year-old Waltman, STILL throwing up Wolfpac symbols like it’s 1996 and they’re still the focal point of the highest rated show on cable! To them, its like the W years never happened!

Don’t forget Tammy Sytch, pushing 40, who walks around indy shows calling herself the Original Diva, thinks Vince loves her and is going to re-hire her any day now, and tells anyone who will listen how valuable she still very much is to the wresling business.

Ditto Chyna, drug-f’d and blowzy, her glory days long ago over, her job prospects so dire that she has to resort to porn at 42, yet she won’t let go of a spotlight that burned out on her around the same time the Twin Towers came crashing down.

And of course New Jack and Missy Hyatt, both pushing 50, who can’t stop “working” everybody, even though Jack is half-blind and half-crippled, and Missy’s face has been so mangled by plastic surgeons that she now resembles an equine.

Or how about 56-year-old Honky Tonk Man, whose full-time wrestling career didn’t survive the Bush Sr. Administration, still running his mouth with his fact-free, sourceless rumor-mongering. And Flair, 60+ years old, who’s out of money and out of time, with a face that’s hard to look at, but he still can’t let it go.

And I cringe everytime I watch the 24/7 panel discussions and Michael Hayes diverts from the topic at hand so he can ONCE AGAIN put over some long-forgotten Freebirds match from 1983, or big Dusty puts over the Texas Bullrope Match.

The Nash-Warrior interweb fight is just another symptom of that disease. These guys all put so much time, effort, blood, sweat and tears into the business that they’ve completely lost sight of the real world that truly does exist outside of the wrestling ring. A world that sadly does NOT revolve around them.

I have a special place in my heart for ex-wrestlers that put in their time who either go out and get real jobs (Wendi Richter, Rick Martel, Shane, Tugboat, Tito), do something else sports related (Brock, Madusa), at least try to transition their brand into other media properties (DDP), or simply fall off the face of the Earth (Randy Savage prior to his death, Sable).

Because when you’re Greg Valentine or Pat Tanaka or Bundy and you haven’t been on TV in 20 years but you’re still trying to make a living in high school gyms, or you’re Raven and you’re telling your fans on Youtube to bring you scratch-off tickets at shows, or you’re Piper and still kayfabing everybody about everything they no longer care about, then its time to grow up.

Always remember Curt Hennig, arguably the greatest technical wrestler of his time. He had success, a family, money in the bank, yet they found his body in a grungy motel room just hours before he was scheduled to perform in front of 100 people at a fairground. At 44, he somehow couldn’t let go of the business that made him, or the party-hard lifestyle that went along with it.

If only Warrior could do something useful with his life besides work out in his gym and spout nonsense on his webcam. If only Nash could make a positive contribution to the business by retiring.

If only Hogan could cash in his chips, ditch the bandana and the walrus moustache, and actually get on with his life.

The more the business enables these guys, the more they’ll keep doing it.