Edited and promoted to the front page by Cageside Seats.
Dear Ms. Carter,
I'd like to apply for a job at your estimable promotion, Impact Wrestling. Critics have said that I'm more charismatic than Rob Terry, more agile than Hulk Hogan and younger than Ric Flair. I'm sure I'd be suitable as a babyface or a member of Immortal. (And, hey, if you're not impressed by my performance in one role we can shift them around in a week or so. Who’ll remember?)
There are a few issues I should be upfront about. Firstly, I might have a teensy-weensy drinking problem. (Or "solution" as the wags are calling it!) On the other hand, I'd like to make it clear that I've been arrested once while driving under the influence, and, as far as I can tell, Impact Wrestling operates by a "three strikes and you're out for a week" rule.
Then there are the drugs. Yeah, okay, I'll admit it - I'm awaiting trial after the po' po' found some pi' pills in my house. I swear, though: I'm innocent! I mean, who knows what’s in their medicine cabinet these days? Ibuprofen? Vicodin? Cocaine? I'm no scientist, I just grab whatever's there and go. I promise that my, er - indulgences aren't going to affect my work. Even if they do I'll make sure it's a house show that I spoil; a non-title match on a pay-per-view at worst. And if -- God forbid -- someone's injured, they'll have insurance, amirite?
I've heard that you've asked some performers to go to rehab. Well, no offense, Dixie, but that seems a bit presumptuous. I mean, who are you to say what your employees should and shouldn’t do? Look, if after all of these assurances you're still unwilling to believe I'm healthy, here's a video of me electrocuting a woman. Satisfied?
Anyway, I hope you'll be impressed by my application. If I get the job I promise not to let you down. (And if I do I hope I'll be granted a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. And, er - so on.)
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