While Wrestlemania season is still a long ways away, now we as wrestling fans loom on the far more titillating, yet agonizing, Wrestlemania speculation season. Most people take this time to fret over the matches they want to see booked, with little regard for weather or not the matches will actually happen. Every wrestling fan instincitvely knows not to expect HBK coming out of retirement for a 30 minute match with his protege "Daniel" Bryan Danielson, but dreams are often all the wrestling fan has for comfort.
That's not what this article is about.
Indeed while begging WWE to book your dream matches is more satisfying, the far more pragmatic option is to beg for certain matches to never see the light of day. With Wrestlemania looming closer, the seasoned fan can almost smell certain stinkers about to collide into what has the potential to be the best card of all time. Whatever comes to pass, WWE must never book the following atrocities on Wrestlemania XXVIII if they actually give a damn about repeated business, good taste, or not making their fans want to hang themselves the next morning. Here are 6 potential Wrestlemania matches that must never see the light of day, no matter how likely it is for WWE to book.
6. Anything involving Michael Cole
For some inexplicable reason, even though everyone hates Michael Cole as a commentator, there's still a vocal contingent that praises how great Cole would be as a manager, and even a contingent that actually wants to see Cole get his comeuppance in another wrestling match. While the latter sect has suffered a loss in numbers sometime after the second or third utter abortion of a Michael Cole match, there's still a few that want to see Cole booked in another angle so he can get his due, be it as a manager, or even in an actual match.
Out of all the things I've written on this list, WWE is most likely to actually book this angle, and it must never take place. Michael Cole gets a lot of boos from the crowd, but none of it matters because Cole has zero athletic ability. Despite spending 15 years calling matches, by the time of his match with Jerry Lawler, Cole still had zero sense of timing, and no clue how to generate anything resembling crowd heat. Cole had so little grace in the ring that he didn't even take a piledriver from the safest worker in the company, putting him several notches below Vicky Guerrero. Not to mention the absurd amount of time WWE wasted on promoting Cole last year when it would've been better suited on anything else.
At this point, I don't care if Cole gets booked in a prison shower match with JBL, nothing Cole can do would be worth even a second of time it would take to promote the feud or air the match. It's best to just pray he goes away forever.
Preferable Alternative: Coffin of "Melina" Morrison placed in the ring. Triple H walks down the isle wearing only a Sin Cara mask, spends 20 minutes fucking a mannequin.
5. Dolph Ziggler & Anybody vs. a Celebrity and Anybody
Vince McMahon loves booking celebrities for Wrestlemania, a celebrity even main evented Wrestlemania one year. As a result of this love, Vince likes to book knowledgable workers into celebrity matches to disguise the fact that the celebrity has zero training. Seeing as how there are now very few guys left in the company suited for such high levels of spoon-feeding, Ziggler looks to be Wrestlemania XXVIII's human sacrifice to the tabloid gods, and it will suck no matter how short the match is.
The worst part about this fixation is that the talented worker he books in the match is always better suited to being in an actual wrestling match with anyone or anything that had any wrestling training. Think about how awesome Wrestlemania XI would've been if Bam Bam Bigelow faced Undertaker instead of Lawrence Taylor, or how cool Wretlemania XXV would've been if Chris Jericho faced Ricky Steamboat in a singles match instead of having to deal with that Mickey Rourke nonsense.
Hopefully Rocky will provide enough stroke to Vince's celebrity boner this year for this match to not be booked, but I'm not hopeful.
Preferable Alternative: In order to bring in the Japanese market, Dolph Ziggler vs. JAPANESE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT SENSATION YOSHIHIKO
4. Cowardly Heel World Champion "Daniel" Bryan Danielson vs. Big Show
I thourghouly believe that Dragon could have a decent match with anyone who's ever been employeed in WWE, and Big Show's actually a great worker when he's in shape. Ordinarily a guy should be happy when their favorite wrestler looks to be a future WWE World Champion, so why would I hate this match?
Because it wouldn't be about Bryan Danielson, the rule breaking technical genius that took ROH by storm, it'd be about generic, dweeby cowardly heel "Daniel" Bryan, who won his meaningless title in yet another MitB cash in just so he could job in what will likely wind up the opening match on the card.
It's not the possibility that my favorite wrestler being booked to be an undeserving cowardly heel that riled me up though, what really bothers me is that Vince McMahon is yet again going to put a WWE world title on another guy he has zero intentions to push. I've hated a lot of guys who Vince McMahon gave a world title reign too, the Kane's, Sid's, and Mark Henry's of the world, but I'd still rather see a crappy wrestler get a push with their world title than seeing the best workers in the company win the gold only to be treated like utter jobbers throughout their entire reign. It's already happened with the Del Rio, Mysterio, and Dolph Ziggler reigns, and I'd rather Dragon just not be given the title at all than to watch another guy get treated like a dork when they have the world championship.
Preferable Alternative: Vince McMahon puts the title on a guy he actually wants to push. For the last day of his retirement tour, dye Nigel McGuinesses hair jet black, have him pretend to be Wade Barrett, set aside 30 minutes for a Wrestlemania match with Dragon.
3. Kane vs. Mark Henry
With the Henry/Big Show program's ugly conclusion looming, and Kane's return to the ring growing ever closer, it doesn't take a brain surgeon to connect where WWE is planning to go next. A lot of people are actually looking forward to this match because of their love of both men. Even after his awful title reign last year, Kane is still just as popular as ever.
I've made myself pretty clear on why I hate Mark Henry and Kane. Both guys are slow, immobile, overly protected due to Vince McMahon's big man fetish, and their matches are terrible. A Mark Henry/Kane match would be at least as bad as the Kane/Khali match from Wrestlemania 23, and I struggle to think of a match I want to see less that has any likelihood of happening in the future.
But that's not why I put this match on here, I hate both guys, but generally it's expected for even the best Wrestlemania's to have at least one or two terrible matches to serve as bathroom breaks. My real problem with this match would be that as much as I hate both guys, they still have credibility in the eyes of the fans, and seeing as how both guys have maybe a year left in their careers at most due to their size and age, it's imperative that they use the time they have left not just to make somebody look good, but to make them look good on what will quite possibly be the biggest wrestling PPV of all time. Somebody very talented could gain some credibility by beating a member of the WWE during its glory years, and what better way for Kane and Henry to go out than by helping somebody?
Preferable Alternative: Mark Henry turns face, Kane, Big Show, and Mark Henry team up to take on eight members of the Smackdown Roster and Republican Presidential Candidate Newt Gingritch, Heath Slater eats the pin in two minutes.
2. CM Punk vs. The Miz
It needs to be said now: Miz sucks as a wrestler.
I know that everyone automatically likes heels, especially heels who climbed from being the lowliest jobber on the roster to a main event player, and the fact that Miz's first title reign was booked so badly made a lot of people feel sorry for him, but Miz is awful, both in the ring and on the mic. Miz has no sense of timing, he moves like a man several weight classes above him, his offense is incredibly boring, he looks clumsy when he tries anything more basic than a neckbreaker variant, his promos all sound scripted, and Miz's Wrestlemania XXVII match with John Cena was so awful it made Hogan vs. Sid look like Hogan vs. Rock. In spite of this, Miz recently took out both R-Truth and John Morrison, and this might lead Vince McMahon to think of Miz as a viable contender to face Punk.
Out of all the matches I've put on this list, Punk vs. Miz has the lowest chance of actually happening. Triple H will likely make his Wrestlemania match a title match against Punk, and Miz's word against Triple H is the equivalent of a pigeon facing off against a honey-badger, but no chance is low enough for this potential atrocity. It needs to be said to anybody in WWE that this match must never be booked, and anyone who thinks otherwise should be strapped to the Clockwork Orange chair and forced to watch Cena vs. Miz on a loop.
Preferable Alternative: CM Punk cuts a 15 minute promo on a conversation between the Miz and God, Miz jobs in 30 seconds to Santino.
1. Undertaker vs. Wade Barrett
As of late, Wade Barrett has been on a winning streak, and even given regular promo time to excavate the remnants of his career. Seeing as how Barrett was heavily rumored to be Undertaker's opponent last year, WWE could theoretically book the match for this year instead as a bit of an apology to Barrett, and to give Undertaker a fresh opponent, but they really shouldn't.
I actually didn't put this match here because I think it'll be all that bad from a technical standpoint, Wade Barrett isn't that good, but he's servicable when the right wrestler gets in there to disguise his weaknesses, and Undertaker's more than good enough for that. The problem is, any match Undertaker has next will likely be his last, and as such, any guy he faces should be a huge deal. Wade Barrett actually was that guy after the Nexus formation, but after Summerslam 2010, Survivor Series 2010, TLC 2010, and Wrestlemania XXVII, anything resembling heat or importance has been stripped away from the guy who was once so hated he literally shook the arenas he worked in.
It's not Barrett's fault, in a better world, Undertaker/Barrett would be a huge deal, but we don't live in a better world, we live in Vince McMahon's world, and as such, must adapt to it.
Preferable Alternative: Undertaker uses his magic powers to travel back in time to Summerslam 2010, punches Vince McMahon in the mouth for being so fucking stupid.
Enough with the comedy bullshit, give us some actual alternatives:
As long as the guy who's booked to be Smackdown's champion is someone Vince McMahon actually intends to push, any match WWE books for the Smackdown world title would be fine unless it's one of the matches I mentioned above. Even Mark Henry vs. Sheamus, which would be absolutely awful in ring, would be acceptable as long as whoever wins the match gets a consistent push before and after the match.
I think it'd be best for Undertaker to sit this year out, the card's already quite crowded with Cena/Rock, and I'm pretty certain that whoever Undertaker faces next will be his last opponent, but if he has to face anyone, it should be Randy Orton. Orton's the only guy in the company who's both over enough to where people can believe he'd have a chance at breaking the streak who isn't either occupied with other matters (Cena, Punk, Rocky, Triple H, Chris Jericho), or completely awful in the ring (Mark Henry, Kane, Miz). Plus, the RKO and the Punt are the most protected moves on the roster.
I think Triple H vs. CM Punk is the best option WWE has for the Raw Title Match. In spite of the politics, I've always been a fan of Hunter, and his last match with Punk was very good. Though the real reason I think this match would work is because Hunter is one of the only guys on the roster who has a believable chance of beating Punk clean who isn't occupied with other matters, or completely awful in the ring.
As for the rest of the card, fill it with great wrestlers, and give consistent pushes to the guys who have a future on this card, and future cards. Put in one or three piss-break matches, and you could potentially have the best card ever.
Any worries or alternatives, Cagesiders?