It's that time of year again, the pro wrestling fans of the world are busy writing their "Year End Awards" lists.
Often, wrestling year end awards are hard calls, any die hard wrestling fan will tell someone how difficult it is to say if Misawa vs. Kawada or the MSG Ladder Match was truly the best match of 1994, but every once in awhile, an award recipient seems so obvious that for anyone else to win would be criminal. Was there any doubt in anyone's mind that the Triple/Kane feud in 2002 was the worst thing to ever happen to wrestling? Was there any doubt that the Kane/Matt Hardy saga in 2004 was WWE's personal dare to try and top the Katie Vick angle? Does anyone question that the Jenna Morasca/Sharmell match at Victory Road 2009 wasn't the worst match of the decade?
And lastly, is there any doubt that Michael Cole is the worst thing to happen to WWE since Triple H violated that mannequin while wearing the Kane mask?
Taking a position this extreme often makes one look like a fanatic, but its no stretch to say that Michael Cole deserves to win every negative award available in every wrestling year end awards list put out in 2011, and not just the "worst commentator" award he's won for the last two years. Michael Cole has been such a disaster towards everything he's touched in 2011 that children from Somalia send wrestling fans five cents a day for the atrocities we've witnessed: and as little effect as year end awards typically have on the mindset of Vince McMahon, it needs to be ingrained into anyone who can listen that fans don't want to see Michael Cole in any capacity ever again, and a loud screech of negativity is the last reach the IWC can give before self immolation makes itself an option.
Wait, before you go on, why pick the Observer Awards?
In addition to the fact that the Observer Awards are the only wrestling awards to take remotely seriously, they're also high profile enough to where the winners of the awards somewhat matter in the industry, if not for promotional reasons, than as an indicator to the people who run the wrestling companies of who to push, and who to exsanguinate. If anyone reading this article votes in the Observer Awards, I strongly encourage you to cast your ballots towards Michael Cole for every negative award on the list.
Allright. What are the negative awards Michael Cole is eligible for, and does he really deserve all of them?
Michael Cole has been pushed harder than anyone else in the history of pro wrestling. He's on TV four to seven hours a week, he gets no comeuppance for burying the product and the wrestlers, and he's never made anybody any money, or put on a good match in his life. If anyone deserves this award, it's Cole.
Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic
Mocking Jerry Lawler for the death of his mother. Mocking J.R.'s Bell's palsy. Humilating every wrestler who doesn't have enough political clout to staple his scrotum to a live raccoon. The Twitter plugging. The blatant political commentary meant to benefit Linda McMahon's campaign.
It's hard to pick which one, but they're all Cole's work. One can't go wrong.
Worst Television Show
It's no stretch to say that RAW has been as bad in 2011 as any weekly wrestling TV show, and 90% of the reason for that has been Michael Cole's commentary. Another award for Cole.
Worst Worked Match of the Year
In a perfect world, no match would be worse than John Cena vs. The Miz at Wrestlemania XXVII, bar none the worst Wrestlemania main event of all time, but thanks to the efforts of Michael Cole, Cena vs. Miz might not even have been the worst match on the card, and thanks to the further efforts of Cole in Cole's match against J.R., neither of those Wrestlemania are indisputably the worst matches to happen in the month of April.
Maybe the Sting/Jeff Hardy match is slightly worse, but TNA is so unimportant to the current wrestling landscape that I doubt it's even worth the effort to vote for that atrocity of a match.
Worst Feud of the Year
See above. Cole's feuds with Ross and Lawler were so bad they made Cena vs. Miz not the worst thing WWE executed this year, if only for the fact that Cole constantly avoided comeuppance to the point where WWE probably wouldn't generate a buyrate for a Prison Shower match between Cole and JBL, Cole would probably win that match via DQ if WWE actually booked it.
Worst Promotion of the Year
Cole is the "voice of the WWE," though I cannot say with confidence that WWE was entirely worse than TNA in 2011, it's certainly a neck and neck vote, and a win for WWE would be a nice middle finger in Cole's face.
Cole's "heel PBP commentator" gimmick is probably the worst gimmick ever devised, and with Orlando Jordan's TNA deal meeting an unmourned death, there are no other contenders who could challenge Cole on this award.
So is that all?
Yes. The Wrestling Observer Newsletter nixed it's "Worst Wrestler" award back in 2003, but if anyone is voting for any other year end awards, Cole is probably eligible for winning whatever negative awards one can come up with, including "Worst Diva's Match," "Worst Supporting Actor," and "The Sid Vicious Lifetime Achievement Award in Overall Badness."
Often, my opinions have received a significant level of backlash from the Cageside community, but I think it's safe to say that everyone who reads this site agrees that Michael Cole needs to leave wrestling forever. If anybody reading this actually wants to pay money to see Michael Cole in any capacity, stop. You're the problem, and it's people like you that are the reason the world can't have good things happen to it.
Fortunately, that won't be the case. The last Michael Cole supporter died in October of this year after a self inflicted crossbow injury, he spent the last months of his life writing campaign speeches for a pizza mogul named Herman Cain.