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WWE Monday Night Raw comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (Dec. 12, 2011) from the Norfolk Scope in Norfolk, Virginia. And it's a special occasion, Cagesiders.
The Slammy Awards!
Who will win "Superstar of the Year?" What about "Match of the Year?" Oh and I know we're all dying to know who the "Diva of the Year" was, right?
We'll find out tonight on USA at a special start time of 8 p.m. ET. It's a three hour show, folks, and it should be a lot of fun. Make sure you come back to shoot the breeze with all your favorite commenters. It's always a good time.
Slammy Awards results and Raw live blog after the jump.
WWE SLAMMY AWARDS RESULTS AND RAW LIVE BLOG DEC. 12
Broadcast is live.
Not the normal Nickelback opening. Giving us a promo for the Slammy Awards. The set at the Scope looks great, actually.
Michael Cole brings us in and says "It's the night the very best get recognized."
We'll see about that, buddy.
What are the chances someone turns a Slammy win into a gimmick this year?
First Slammy is for the "Tell Me I Did Not Just See That Moment of the Year." Booker T will be the guy to present it. Hornswoggle will too. He comes out wearing a black afro wig. Wow.
Booker: "What's up Universe?"
Don't talk to me like that, T.
Hornswoggle starts talking and I tune out.
Jim Ross dancing during the Michael Cole Challenge
Alberto Del Rio winning the Royal Rumble
R-Truth getting water throw in his face by a fan
The Miz making fun of Rock by dressing as him
Winner: Jim Ross dancing during the Michael Cole Challenge
I guess it's good that J.R. got a Slammy win but Cole is taking the time to rip him. In fact, he interrupts Ross' acceptance speech to cut a big promo on him. He goes off and starts making fat jokes. Booker T cuts in and calls Cole a loser. Says he bets Ross can beat Cole in a "Rap off."
They head to the ring to do battle. Oh dear god.
Booker says Cole goes first since he thinks he's so crafty and slick.
Cole says, Cool, let's do this. "I listen to Eminem, I don't eat M&M's like Ross does."
"My name is Cole, that's my name. I'm like J.R. but I'm even smaller.
I went to WrestleMania, and I beat Jerry Lawler."
More fat jokes.
"Go crawl back in your hole,
You just got schooled by Vintage Cole."
Ross comes on.
"Michael Cole you're a damn fool
Jerry Lawler beat you like a government mule."
Holy shit, he either just badly forgot his lines or that was intentionally done to make Ross look like a complete moron. Horrible.
Booker polls the audience and they cheer for J.R. and boo Cole, so Ross wins.
Cole goes back to the announce desk. Ross tries to leave but Booker asks if the fans want to see a J.R.-rooni instead of the spinarooni.
Booker does a spin-a-rooni to demonstrate and Cole literally says, "This may have been the worst segment in television history."
You're right, Mike. You're actually right.
Ross actual attempt was nothing more than his falling backwards and rocking around a bit.
Mick Foley on his way out to hand out the next Slammy.
Foley and The Million Dollar Man out next and they use Ted DiBiase's music. Oh, that's great.
Next award is for "Holy Shit Moment of the Year." Foley puts over his many insane moments. They do a nice gag with the two trying to figure out why they were paired together and coming to the conclusion that DiBiase is a minister so that's where the "Holy" comes from and Foley, well ... you get it.
Sheamus powerbombing Sin Cara through a ladder
Randy Orton RKO'ing Christian onto steel steps
Mark Henry superplexing Big Show and breaking the ring
Evan Bourne doing the shooting star press off the ladder onto a crowd of superstars
Winner: Mark Henry superplexing Big Show and breaking the ring
Show comes out and gives thanks. Says Henry won't make it because he's gun shy from Smackdown. Keeps yapping and doesn't really say anything. Just leads to him walking down to the ring for a match.
Wade Barrett comes out with a mic and says that award was premature because he hasn't gotten to Randy Orton at TLC yet. Tells Show he better hope he doesn't walk out of TLC the heavyweight champion because the "Barrett Barrage" will be coming for him next if so.
What a lame gimmick.
Big Show vs. Wade Barrett -- We're back from break and Show takes a turnbuckle on the outside worse than I've ever seen before. He sells it just as poorly. A table is set up on the outside and Barrett threatens to crash onto it with Show there but Show slaps him on his chest. Barrett, to his credit, sells like a boss.
Barrett runs and gets a chair, Show punches it out of his hands, the ref calls for the bell and Show wins via disqualification. Wow. What a waste of time.
A promo airs for the
Sledgehammer on a Pole Ladder match between Kevin Nash and Triple H at TLC. Horrible.
Hey, it's the Road Dogg Jesse James. He comes out wearing a D-Generation X shirt. Goes into his Attitude Era spiel to introduce the nominees for "Pipe Bomb of the Year."
I can't tell because they're just airing a huge video promo of a lot of different shit that happened over the last year. So, uh ... yeah.
Winner: CM Punk
That could have been a cool award. Blew it.
Oh, what the fug is this ish. Punk comes out with a gigantic life size doll. The fans chant for him as he accepts his award. He starts thanking a lot of obscure people. He says he wants to pay tribute to someone we never see who works in the back. Just like the mannequin he's got with him, this person is boring, lacking in personality, a lot of other stuff. Compares this person to the mannequin in being anatomically correct.
Oh he means the guy has no penis.
It's a tribute to John Laurinaitis, of course. They've got a video package ready and everything.
The live crowd couldn't care any less about this. Punk says Johnny Ace couldn't be here, he's in the back watching Point Break wishing he could be Patrick Swayze. Does an impersonation of him before bailing to the back. He'll be in tag action, by the way, with Randy Orton against The Miz and Alberto Del Rio later on.
It feels like I've been watching this for six hours now. This is so bad.
Lita is in the building and she's presenting the award for "Divalicious Moment of the Year."
She looks a lot better than she did in her mugshot. Make up really does do wonders. Short speech, nothing much.
Natalya's double sharpshooter
Kelly Kelly winning the Diva's championship
Beth Phoenix Glam Slamming Eve off the top rope
Winner: Kelly Kelly winning the Diva's championship
I wonder how much it pisses Lita off that she has to give an award like this to Kelly. Not that it means much of anything. Beth comes out and grabs the award from her. Starts talking and Kelly roundhouse smacks her in the face. Natalya holds Beth back and they walk off while Kelly and Lita pose with their arms up.
We're headed for the start of the second hour. They run video of Cena vs. Henry in WWE '12 and say it could be a preview of later tonight.
Up next is the Slammy for the "OMG Moment of the Year." Presenting is Santino Marella and the Bella Twins wearing some seriously short dresses and showing a whole lot of thigh.
Triple H tombstone on Undertaker at WrestleMania
Rock delivers the Rock Bottom to Cena at WrestleMania
Superstars walk out on Triple H
CM Punk wins the WWE championship at Money in the Bank
Winner: Triple H tombstone on Undertaker at WrestleMania
Triple H is back. His music hits and he walks out to a decent ovation. This crowd is super reserved. He's out with his sledgehammer and spitting water wearing jeans and a leather jacket.
Didn't this guy supposedly have spinal damage? He's acting like he's completely fine.
By the way, anyone surprised he's the one kicking off the second hour? You know, the hour the show usually starts.
Cole is selling us hard on this being a big deal but it doesn't feel like one, especially since we know he's in a match this Sunday.
First of all, the OMG Moment was not what you saw, it was shortly after, he says. It was when the Undertaker, for the first time in his career, couldn't leave the arena under his own power. Nine months later, the Undertaker is no more. Says the Streak came to an end at Mania.
Fug. Set up for the rematch at Mania.
That's his segue into Nash. "I, for one, would like to see what Nash did again. Play it."
Replay of Nash attacking him two months ago. They actually showed the part where they guy asked if Trips had a pulse.
"Should have finished the job buddy, cause I'm back."
He cuts a promo centered around his being right. Says he'll get the sledgehammer at TLC and smash Nash's head in. "I'm right and you, Nash, are simply done-uh."
One of his lesser promos.
At the top of the ramp, Santino wants to keep the Slammy and Triple H lets him. Pose and there he goes.
Next award will be presented by David Otunga and Tony Atlas and I believe Justin Roberts just said it will be for "Trending Star of the Year." Good god, they created an award all about Twitter.
Otunga is talking and Atlas is just laughing at him. Seriously, he's just laughing.
Ryder's music hits and Cole tells us these four will compete in a Fatal 4-way to decide who the winner of the Slammy is.
How the fug does that make any sense at all?
Side note: My girlfriend never hangs out during Raw and, for whatever reason, decided to do so tonight. Her reaction this far in? "Man, I picked the worst night to hang with you for this. No one deserves this."
Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder -- The babyfaces go up early with some high flying moves to the outside. That's the lead to break. They show Bryan getting up on Cole as it fades out.
Come back to Ryder hitting the kick to the head in the corner spot. Why are the babyfaces beating each other up in a Fatal 4-way with two heels in the match? Now the babyfaces are out and Ziggler and Rhodes decide not to go after each other and instead go after Bryan and Ryder.
I love it when guys do things that make sense.
Oh, never mind. They're smacking each other now because of perceived slights against each other. Rhodes and Bryan exchange a million near falls while Ziggler and Ryder stall in the other corner. Rhodes sends Bryan out and Ziggler holds Ryder so Cody can blast him. They send him out and Ziggler tries to sneak a pin in but doesn't get it and Rhodes blows him up.
Back and Ryder has Rhodes in a figure four. Cody gets out, though, and Cole reminds us that the winner of this match will be the "Trending Star of the Year."
Just checked Twitter and Zack Ryder is the only one in this match who is trending. Tony Atlas is, too. So, yeah, trending on Twitter still doesn't mean anything, you guys.
While I'm bitching about Twitter, everyone is laid out in the ring. Rhodes gets up and lands a kick to the head off the cage on Ziggler.
Bryan hits like 15 kicks in a row on Rhodes in the corner and screams for each one of them, sounding cornier and cornier every time. He finishes with a running dropkick, which was actually awesome.
Goes up top and gets racked, though. Payoff.
They set up a superplex from Ziggler on Ryder and Rhodes on Bryan. Once again, everyone is down in the ring. Ziggler and Rhodes get up first and they go at it. Ryder up and hits the Rough Ryder on Ziggler but Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes on Ryder and Bryan gets the LeBell Lock on Rhodes but Ziggler comes back and hits the Zig-Zag on Bryan, which gets the pin.
Lawler gets in the ring and they give the Slammy to Zack Ryder.
Uh, didn't Cole say the winner of this match would win the award? That was just a mess up on his part?
Ryder won because he trended during the match. Right after King gave him the Slammy, Ziggler blasted him and left with the trophy.
Promo for the WWE championship TLC match at the pay-per-view of the same name.
Next award is the "Game Changer of the Year." Christian is back and he's limping and on crutches, wearing the boot on his ankle. He's selling a neck injury by wearing a neck brace. That's great.
Ha. Says he's presenting himself with the "Courageous Moment of the Year" award for showing up tonight despite his many injuries. He wants to know how he's not nominated for this award, or better yet, how is he not nominated for "Superstar of the Year?" He says he blames all the stupid people in Virginia and the fans for not being outraged enough that he didn't get one more match. A lot of heat for him.
Triple H and Mr. McMahon
The Rock and John Cena
Winner: The Rock and John Cena
Cena's music hits and the roof is blown off. After watching this show and hearing the non-response these fans had for the return of Triple H, I'm seriously impressed at this reaction. The music stops and they're still loud as hell. This man has IT, folks. He's the whole damn show, and we can't deny it anymore.
He says he's not out here to take all the credit. He introduces Rock but no one comes out.
Talks to someone off camera and says, "what? What do you mean he's not here? He said he was never leaving again?"
He dogs Rock for being gone again and intros a satellite clip. "Roll the cl... we don't have a clip? We don't even have a clip? This is worse than J.R.'s rap."
I'm actually liking this.
"I'm going to apologize on behalf of Team Bring It for not even bringing it." Holy ish, this guy is killing it.
Cuts a promo saying he hopes this fuels Rock and plugs the big WrestleMania match next year. Says the award means they changed the game for the year by announcing their match a year beforehand but at Mania next year, they'll change the game forever.
I loved that entire segment.
Alberto Del Rio and The Miz vs. CM Punk and Randy Orton -- Kickoff the third hour with some more big stars. Big pop for Orton. No clue why he's in this match, other than shoving a big star into this time slot. Good reaction for Punk, not as big as Orton's.
It's clobberin' time.
They chant for Punk when his music stops so Orton lets him start the match. He chain wrestles with Miz for a minute, gets the upper hand and quickly tags in Orton, which actually gets a huge response. He gets some offense in but the heels take over shortly thereafter. They beat on Orton for a while before he gets the hot tag and Punk is in to wreck house.
The knee in the corner followed by the bulldog to Del Rio looked really bad. He calls for the GTS but Del Rio pops out and distracts the ref long enough for Miz to rack Punk's neck on the ropes.
Miz working over Punk as they fade back in. He tags Del Rio and he works the arm. I guess they're leading towards another hot tag, this time with Orton coming in and cleaning house. Just as I say this, Punk hits a neckbreaker and starts stretching out for the tag while Del Rio rolls over to Miz. Gets the tag and now Miz is beating on Punk.
Man, Miz's heel schtick of bouncing around as a taunt before continuing to work over his opponent is the cheesiest looking thing any WWE superstar does right now. So is his setup for the Skull Crushing Finale. Just horrible.
He taunts Orton, who looks like a legitimate badass, but Punk counters and goes for the hot tag. Del Rio comes in and drags Punk away while Barrett comes out and blasts Orton before bailing. This gives Miz the chance to hit his finisher and that gets the pin.
Punk loses again.
Orton chases after Barrett through the crowd, leaving Miz and Del Rio in the ring, alone with Punk. Conveniently enough, tables, ladders and chairs are all over the place, so they bring a ladder in and work the hell out of Punk.
Del Rio works the Cross Armbreaker while Miz grabs a mic and flaps his gums. Which was a good thing, actually, because it led to a nice little moment. While Miz was saying, "This pipe bomb is going to blow up in your face," Punk was flailing out and ended up smacking Miz in the face before he could finish the promo.
Speaking of promos, another one airs for Kane's return. This time it shows him holding the mask and looking at it before it drops to the ground, burning.
That goofy techno promo airs for WWE Network. Time for the next award, "A-Lister of the Year." Vickie Guerrero presenting alongside Goldust.
A prerecorded message plays with a slimmed down Snooki saying she loves Vince, Zack Ryder and the WWE Universe. Plug for Jersey Shore and that's that.
Backstage interview with Mark Henry. Says Cena embarrassed him getting all up in his business. Says Cena shouldn't be worried about WrestleMania ... he should be worried about getting inducted into the Hall of Pain tonight.
Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal -- Uh, Mahal walks out and says Sheamus will play a supporting role in Mahal's Slammy winning performance, climbs in the ring, Sheamus Brogue Kick's him and then his music plays him out.
Time to see who wins "Superstar of the Year." Surprise, Rey Mysterio is here to present the award.
Alberto Del Rio
Winner: CM Punk
John Laurinaitis comes out instead of Punk. Says Punk is in no condition to accept the award and on his behalf, Laurinaitis accepts it for him. The crowd chants for Punk but they play the Raw theme as Laurinaitis rolls out.
Henry walking in the back... wait.
Another promo for the mystery return man. The creepy kid is telling us the creepy lady kid is the one who will tells us who it is when she is ready.
Uh, okay, creepy kids.
Mark Henry's entrance is awesome, by the way.
John Cena vs. Mark Henry -- Henry tosses Cena to the side like a kid and that leads us to yet another fuggin commercial. Is it just me or has there been like a million of these damn commercials tonight?
Henry still with the edge coming back. Cole tells us he's been dominating the whole way, which we would know for ourselves if the show didn't go to commercial every 10 seconds.
Cena makes his comeback and hits the five knuckle shuffle. Cena tries to pick him up for the AA and collapses underneath the weight. Henry in control, Cena again tries to make a comeback with his shoulder blocks but Henry catches him in a bear hug.
For the first time tonight, the dueling Cena chants. They break from the hold and Henry hits the World's Strongest Slam.
An explosion at the entrance ramp.
That's gotta be...
That's gotta be...
That's gotta be KANE!
He's wearing a freaky looking mask. Henry bails out of the ring and Cena runs into a chokeslam. He's got hair again. He takes off the freaky mask and reveals the cool new look mask that was in the promos.
With the make up on his eyes and the bright red lighting, he looks AWESOME!
The show ends with Kane standing over Cena.
Fade to black.