About Last Night...: UFC 118

I'll be the first to admit: I woke up this morning feeling like P Diddy.

That's assuming P Diddy wakes up every morning with a slight hangover. What a horrible life he must lead!

Welcome to About Last Night..., the only thing in this wackadoo world that I can full control. The title itself is meant to be a devilishly clever (I'm such a mark for myself) double entendre which compares MMA to sloppy, dirty, drunken sex.

And MMA is kinda like that when you think about. You either wake up the next morning and immediately regret what you've done (UFC 112, I'm looking at you, you filthy skank) or it's something you talk about during every game of "Never Have I Ever" (WEC: Aldo/Faber, CALL ME!).

So last night at UFC 118, it was decided: boxing is dumb and gay and stupid while MMA is like its awesome, more attractive younger brother who is a junior executive, leases a Chrysler 300 (fuck depreciation!) and has a hot dental assistant girlfriend.

At least that's what we were led to believe by UFC's "MMA vs Boxing" advertising campaign. So either boxing drools and MMA rules (home is right over that mountain... we miss you, Shadow) or maybe we shouldn't match up a fatty fatty two by four old ass boxer (who always looks sad, for some reason... James Toney, what's wrong, sweetie?) with the guy who I think invented MMA 150 years ago. I'm not sure about that last part, though, I'll have to consult my copy of Total MMA (SHAMELESS PLUG~!).

This time around, we took the show on the road and hit up our local Buffalo Wild Wings. The usual suspects were all there (Jumpin' Jonny, Rodie Jon, Soccer Jordan, and previously unnamed Tattoo Tim) minus "Michael P.S." Darrel who was off celebrating his wedding anniversary or something lame like that. PUT YA ON BLAST, SON!

Before we get started, here is a snapshot of my receipt.

Eat your heart out, Bruce Dickinson!

Rating Scale:

There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, how many times I say, "OH, COME THE FUCK ON!" are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form

 – Shit fight. Usually using this time to get myself a drink or catch up on Twitter (SHAMELESS PLUG~!: @taporsnapradio)

 – Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. The 2 Guida rating is unofficially called "The Jon Fitch Award" around the office

 – Middle of the pack, baby! 3 Guida fights are one of two fights: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame

 – A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going full on Guida.

 – Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action.

And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!

Lightweight: Nik Lentz vs. Andre Winner

You know what? Here's a list of things that are more exciting than this fight:

• Watching paint dry

• Hearing a story about watching paint dry

• Watching the TV Guide channel

• Listening to my hair stylist girlfriend talk about hair color

• On the flip side, my girlfriend listening to me explain the Montreal Screwjob

• BASICALLY FUCKING ANYTHING. Ever. In the history of the world.

Congratulations, Nik Lentz, you make Jon Fitch look like Clay Guida.

Winner: Lentz via TKO (Bored to Death) unanimous decision, 30-27x2 and 29-28

Rating: No Guidas!!! Zero, zilch, nada.

Lightweight: Joe Lauzon vs. Gabe Ruediger

I'd like to think that some random, drunken Bostonite somehow found his way to J-Lau's dressing room and said, "Joe, listen! That last fight was wicked boring. You gotta come out and fuck this kid up, y'know? Alright, talk to you later. Go Sox."

Lauzon took those words to heart and came out and ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED Ruediger. Like, seriously, if I was a lawyer and Ruediger came to me wanting to press charges on Lauzon for sexual assault, I'd probably take the case.

"Your honor, may I present Exhibit A."

Sixty seconds later...

"Alright, alright, that's enough! Dear God..."

"I rest my case."

Winner: Lauzon via submission (armbar), R1 2:01

Rating: 

Welterweight: Marcus Davis vs. Nick Diaz

209, bitches!

I'll be upfront with this: I am a big Diaz Bros. mark. Like, HUGE. They're sorta like The Briscoe Brothers of MMA. In fact, I would love to see Nick and Nate take on Jay and Mark in a steel cage. BOOK IT!

Some people were picking Davis to win this one and I really don't know why. Markdom aside, it didn't make any sense to me that Diaz, who took on and choked out Melvin Guillard, a much faster and stronger striker, would lose to Davis, whose skills have been eroding before our very eyes. Seriously, the UFC had to feed Jonathan "Glass Jaw" Goulet to Davis just to get him a win.

Side note: It was during this fight that another BWW patron got on his phone and kept yelling to whoever he was talking to, "some niggas came in and robbed my house." And by kept yelling, I literally mean KEPT YELLING... like a dozen times. It really made me think that dude on the other end might wanna invest in a hearing aid. The guy left and never came back, I don't think. The ending to that little story I will never know.

Diaz used a combination of his reach, tough chin, and shit talking to dismantle Davis. If there is anything more awesome than the "Pre-exchange Diaz Arm Raise," I don't wanna know about it.

via a323.yahoofs.com

GOO! Even Gary Goatee looks like he just saw a ghost. Not only does THAT happen to Davis, Diaz also went ahead and choked him out. Like, "Night night, keep your booty hole tight" out. Nate Diaz, why you such a mean man?!

Winner: Diaz via technical submission (guillotine), R3 4:02

Rating: 

Middleweight: Demian Maia vs. Mario Miranda

After getting clowned at UFC 112 (well, except for the fifth round where he tried to get Silva to engage but The Spider was fixated on doing his Kalib Starnes impersonation... he's the Brazilian Andy Kaufman), it seemed like Maia felt he had something to prove.

He came out aggressive and spider monkeyed the shit out of Miranda. But Miranda's sub defense was a little too sly for the former title contender and he managed to keep his limbs in tact.

Side note #2: we play a betting game that is a slightly re-tooled version of the UFC Fantasy game they have on their website. We call it Fight Fights: The Game. That game made this fight infinitely more exciting as a couple of people had picked Maia to win by decision but I opted for a third round submission victory. So in the third, when it looked like Maia was gonna snag an armbar, we all started freaking out. I'm sure the table next to us at BWW got a kick out of it.

Winner: Maia via unanimous decision, 30-27x3

Rating:  

Heavyweight: Randy Couture vs. James Toney

This much can be said: at least Toney lasted as long as he did.

Anyone with half a brain... nay, no brains necessary for this one, could have told you that Couture wasn't going to stand with Toney for more than 30 seconds. And of course he didn't.

Couture found some range and then SCOOPS MCCALLISTER Toney was on his back. I can imagine a plucky young James Toney walking into his first college classroom, full of optimism and ready to grab the bull by the horns, only to be met by this:

He can't process it. He freaks out. His speech becomes unintelligible. Poor kid.

And then 24 years later, in Boston, Toney begins to suffer flashbacks.

"What do I do? What is he doing?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?"

Sadly, Toney can't even tap properly and just begins frantically wave his hand like a pageant queen on crack. I expected more from the guy who tapped out King Mo.

Ahem.

It's like my boy Sean over at NorthTexasFisticuffs said: Can we end the debate over which sport is better? Boxing is boxing and MMA is MMA.

Winner: Couture via submission (arm triangle), R1 3:19

Rating:  

Lightweight championship: Frankie Edgar (c vs. BJ Penn

Remember back in April when BJ Penn LOST at 155? And not only that, but he did it to a guy that a lot of people said should be fighting at 145? And not only that, but the decision was slightly dubious leading one of the judges to troll the UG Forum?

But then we found out that Penn had a sinus infection and THAT'S WHEN IT MADE SENSE. That's the only way Penn could EVER EVER EVER lose at lightweight. I also heard unconfirmed rumors that he was suffering from cholera, dysentery, and a snake bite. Dude should really stop going to Oregon. Or at least go with a doctor. Yeah, he won't know what to do when a wheel axle breaks and he'll be shit for hunting but at least you'll be healthy. I'll go further into that in my upcoming Oregon Trail fanposts, though.

So last night's rematch was seemingly booked to right a wrong, rectify this crazy situation where a tiny guy from Jersey is the UFC's Lightweight champion.

Twenty-five minutes later, we all look like this:

Hell, not even 25 minutes later. By the end of round three, it was painfully obvious that either BJ Penn has the shittiest immune system in the world or maybe the clowning he got in Abu Dhabi was real deal Holyfield. Shit, worse! Edgar scraped by a decision at UFC 112. Last night, he straight up took the decision home, had his way with it, and then made it pay for its own taxi the next morning. COLD BLOODED~!

And let's not forget to talk about the "advice" Penn's corner was dishing out while their meal ticket was getting an absolute drubbing. Their between-rounds chatter amounted to, "Dude, just knock out this fool," "Go after that little cocksucker*," and "Man, will you PLEASE fight... like, harder or whatever?"

Penn simply had no Answer for Edgar (yeah, pun intended... that's why it was capitalized, der) in April and definitely didn't have one last night. Edgar mixed his punches, kicks, and takedowns beautifully and never gave Penn a chance to find his rhythm.

The one time anyone thought Penn had a chance was at the beginning of the fourth and fifth rounds when he landed some takedowns. The one in the fourth was met with annoyance by Edgar who stood up shortly after. The one in the fifth must've really cheesed Edgar off because he decided just to reverse it and get on top.

Is BJ Penn overrated? Well, when you're supposed to be the greatest fighter ever of all time forever and ever amen and you aren't, yeah, I'd say you're overrated. Is he still one of the best lightweights of all time? As Penn himself would say, "For sure, for sure."

Winner: Edgar via unanimous decision, 50-45x3

Rating: 

* - It should be noted that this is an ACTUAL quote from his corner.

Well, that's all from me today. I might be back for Shark Fights 13 as there is some interest between The Usual Suspects in watching what might be the most fun MMA event this year.

For now, I'm gonna lurk the BJPenn.com forums and get a good laugh at the expense of the Penn fanboys who are probably acting like Joel Osteen would if he found out Jesus wasn't real.

That guy gives me the heebie jeebies. Joel Osteen, I mean, not Jesus. I'm cool with him.