About Last Night...: Strikeforce: Houston

My name's Sergio and I'm here to set the record straight!

I've always wanted to be one of the 48 guys lucky enough to be in the Wu-Tang Clan but I'll settle for writing About Last Night..., my own little subversive take on mixed martial arts AKA cage fighting AKA UFC fighting AKA human cockfighting. Y'know, that phrase doesn't make any sense. Cockfighting is two roosters fighting. So mixed martial arts should just be human fighting, right? Human cockfighting is... well, John McCain was talking about something totally different.

Shudder.

The appropriately enough named Strikeforce: Houston took place last night and I WATCHED IT ALL BY MYSELF! Okay, not by myself. My pal Jordan came over. Jumpin' Jonny, Rodie Jon, and "Michael P.S." Darrel actually made the trek towards Screwston from DFW to watch the scraps live. I didn't go as the bun in my girlfriend's oven finished baking a little over four weeks ago and I really, really, REALLY couldn't care less about the card.

I was glad to hear Strikeforce was headed for the Lone Star state but when they announce the lineup, it was like hearing WrestleMania was coming to town but OH NO it's WrestleMania VIII. FUCK!

Also, I didn't start my diet.

Whatever. Brian Stann is gonna get rich off me.

There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, how many times I say, "OH, COME THE FUCK ON!" are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.

 – Shit fight. Usually using this time to get myself a drink or catch up on Twitter (SHAMELESS PLUG: @taporsnapradio).

– Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. The 2 Guida rating is unofficially called "The Jon Fitch Award" around the office.

– Middle of the pack, baby! 3 Guida fights are one of two fights: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame.

– A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going full on Guida.

– Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action.

And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!

Heavyweight: Chad Griggs vs. Bobby Lashley

Strikeforce really wanted you to know that Lashley was a former two-time World Champion in the WWE. Along with that REALLY useful credential, Lashley also won his 4th grade science fair, can only eat one Pringle, and can believe it's not butter. All this has molded him into the fighter he is today. A fighter with AWESOME takedowns and... and... well, not much else.

Lashley, who came of insulted when the idea of fighting the Freakin' Deacon came up, controlled the first round of the fight even after getting busted open hard way. BY GAWD, HE'S WEARING THE PROVERBIAL CRIMSON MASK!

Sigh. We miss you, JR.

In the second round, Lashley manged to get full mount on Griggs... FULL MOUNT... and do absolutely nothing with it. Then, in the first instance of TOTAL BUTTFUCKERY of the evening, the ref stands the fighters up. Was it to check the cut? Was it because Lashley, despite weighing 246 pounds of solid BLACK RAGE~!, was unable to produce any kind of offense in the most offense-producing position?

I'm not really sure but restarting them on the fighters on their fight directly led to Lashley getting the bejezzus beat out of him.

Apparently, Lashley had to leave the Toyota Center on a stretcher. I hope Strikeforce's marketing of him as a former WWE champion didn't backfire and sway fans' opinions about former wrestling champs. Because when Batista finally debuts, he's gonna OWN.

Ahem.

Griggs: TKO (Ref Stoppage) – R2, 5:00

Rating:

Lightweight: Jorge Gurgel vs. KJ Noons

The bout starts and the two circle. Gurgel begins to time his opponent's striking and shoots in for a double leg about a minute in, landing in half guard. From there, Gurgel, a BJJ black belt, transitions to side mount and drives some knees into his opponent's ribs. He teases a kimura but only to distract his opponent as Gurgel pops his legs over and gets to full mount. It's all elementary from that point as Gurgel lands some ground and pound. His opponent, trying to escape the onslaught, rolls to his side and Gurgel grabs the wrist and slaps on an armbar for the submission win.

GODDAMIT, JORGE, WHY WON'T YOU LET ME WRITE THAT JUST ONE TIME?!?

No, instead I'm writing this: KJ Noons, who looks like the guy in high school whose dad owned a car dealership and banged the head cheerleader and wore Ray Bans, SHITSTOMPED a mudhole in Gurgel. Seriously, this fight should've been called "The Guy from American Psycho versus Stereotypical Salsa Dancing Instructor OR How to Knock Someone Out Three Times in One Fight."

As much referee-instigated bullshit as there was in the Griggs/Lashley fight, this fight took the cake, ate it, pooped it out, and then made Griggs/Lashley eat that.

At the end of the first, the two enter a striking exchange and after the bell rings, Noons lands a clean shot flush on Gurgel's jaw that drops him. It could be argued that Noons was already in motion for the punch and couldn't stop but it still felt highly suspect. Gurgel, glassy eyed, likely gave an slightly incomprehensible, "Yeah, man, I'm okay" as he stumbled to his corner.

Then 10 seconds into the second round, all shit breaks loose. Noons decides to finish the job he started five minutes and one second into the first and FLATTENS Gurgel. Noons puts his hands down, thinking he just won his easiest fight against his toughest opponent with the stupidest gameplan ever. The ref seems to think that too as he starts to make his way between the fighters.

Gurgel's muscle memory has other plans and he instinctively tries to grab onto Noons' leg. So the ref thinks, "Oh, he's fine. Look at him, getting all grabby with the leg!" NO, MOTHERFUCKER! This guy just got knocked out twice in three minutes! HE IS NOT FINE!

Noons lands several more strikes to Gurgel's already damaged cranium before the ref decides he wouldn't like to be held responsible for someone's death and steps in. But when he does, this happens:

via MMA-Core.com

Fuck KJ Noons. Fuck him and three guys that look like him. This was a blatant cheap shot against an already defeated opponent. What a classy guy.

Noons: Knockout – R1, 5:01; R2, 0:10; R2, 0:19

Rating:  NO GUIDAS!

Middleweight championship: Tim Kennedy vs. Ronaldo Souza

About mid-way through the second round, when it was painfully obvious that Jacare's standup was better than Kennedy's, I knew it was gonna be a long night for the Green Beret. One could only hope that Kennedy was part eagle so he could take the fight into the sky since on their feet and on the ground was going to prove fruitless.

At least we can take consolation in the fact that former one-trick pony Souza is adding to his repertoire.

Souza: Unanimous Decision – 49-46, 48-47, 48-47

Rating:

Light Heavyweight championship: Muhammed Lawal vs. Rafael Cavalcante

THE KING HAS BEEN DETHRONED!

I'm clever AND good looking. Mothers, lock up your daughters...

I'll be honest: I rock a King Mo t-shirt from time to time. But seeing any fighter who says "fuck the fans" get knocked out is slightly satisfying.

King Mo's claim to fame has been his world class wrestling. What we saw from him last night was sub-par boxing. I mean, he TRIED to take down Feijao and impressively did once in the first round but the Brazilian popped right back up.

Mo did impress me with his punishing body blows, though, but in the third round, he got a little overzealous and left himself wide open. Feijao employed the thai clinch and rocks the Texas native. Reeling back, Feijao clips King Mo with a right and drops the champ on his back.

Big Jon, THE BEST REF IN THE BIZ (who must've been having 18 heart attacks watching the first two fights backstage), gives Mo every chance to defend himself and improve his position. Latched onto Cavalcante's legs, Mo struggles for a takedown but instead eats nearly a dozen elbows to the side of the dome.  

Everyone is acting like this is the end of the world for Mo. What they don't remember is that King Mo has only been training for like, what? Two years? Cut the dude some slack. Or not. Whatever.

Cavalcante: Knockout – R3, 1:14

Rating:  

Unfortunately for the impressive display Jacare put on and Cavalcante's huge upset, the first two fights left an awful taste in my mouth and pretty much ruined the card for me.

Then we you add this into the mix, it really sets it over the edge. As a Texan, I hang my head in shame at how poorly the athletic commission handled this event.

On the plus side, I heard Jorge Santiago and Kazuo Misaki had an AWESOME fight at Sengoku last night/early this morning. On the negative side, Time Warner Cable can eat a hot bowl of dicks.