About Last Night...: UFC 117

Hello and welcome to 'About Last Night...' where we try to make sense of everything that happened yesterday in the wacky sport we all know and love (sit down, Bob Reilly), MMA!

This is my first attempt at a pro-wrestling style recap for MMA so please use lube and please be gentle. I'd say 99% of the recaps online take themselves WAY too seriously for a sport that's really just about two dudes beating the Christ out of each other. So I'm here to inject some fun and humor and absurdity into the situation.

And who better to subject to my inane thoughts and junior high-level writing abilities than the pro wrestling/MMA marks here at Cage Side Seats? NO ONE! That's the answer to that question.

This is actually a week later than I would have hoped to have posted it. I started writing it, my laptop died, I tried to recover it, I couldn't, my newborn started crying, and I said, "OH PISS, I'LL JUST START WITH STRIKEFORCE: HOUSTON!" Then, lo and behold, I open Word today and there it is; waiting for me like a Princess trapped in a castle.

So let me know what you guys think. This is very much a work in progress and welcome all praise. Criticisms? Keep 'em to yourself! 

Rating Scale:

There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, how many times I say, "OH, COME THE FUCK ON!" are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.

1 Guida – Shit fight. Usually using this time to get myself a drink or catch up on Twitter (SHAMELESS PLUG: @taporsnapradio).

2 Guida – Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. The 2 Guida rating is unofficially called "The Jon Fitch Award" around the office.

3 Guida – Middle of the pack, baby! 3 Guida fights are one of two fights: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame.

4 Guida – A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going full on Guida.

5 Guida – Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action.

And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!

Last night (EDIT: week... ugh!) was especially zonky; the MMA equivalent of three rum and cokes, a Jagerbomb, four beers, six day old chili, and a shot of tequila. You woke up the next day, not exactly sure what you remember from the previous evening actually happened or some beautiful, alcohol-induced nightmare.

BUT ENOUGH TALK! TALK IS CHEAP AND IS TAKES MONEY TO BUY WHISKEY! (Remember this one, folks.)

Roy Nelson vs. Junior dos Santos

Nelson came out strong, forcing JDS to eat some hard punches (IRONY~!). But JDS' superior boxing soon starts to peek out its head and by round two, it's butt-naked, exposed for the world to see. For as much battering as the Brazilian hands out, though, he can't put the American away (BUILT FORD TOUGH). In the third, I can't tell if JDS starts to gas or if he decides to dial it back a notch, knowing full well he's ahead of the score cards. Either way, JDS puts on an impressive boxing display and shows his takedown defense isn't too shabby either. Up next for JDS is the winner of BROCKLESNAR/"Bronx Pride" Cain Velasquez for the Heavyweight strap. Up next for Nelson is a well-deserved trip to the buffet. YOU DESERVE IT, BIG MAN! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Rating – 3 Guidas

Matt Hughes vs. Ricardo Almeida

I definitely think Almeida, with his BJJ pedigree, has the upperhand in this bout. BJJ experts have been somewhat of a problem for Hughes in the past and oh my god did he just CHOKE HIM OUT?!? WTF?!? Hughes actually hurts someone with his hands (shocking, I know!) and throws down with what Jordan Breen labeled a "hillbilly anaconda." Josh Barnett then corrected everyone by stating it was actually a "David Schultz Front Headlock" but Barnett is a dirty steroid user who deserves nothing but bad things in life. So Hughes via hillbilly anaconda it is.

Rating – 4 Guidas

Clay Guida vs. Rafael dos Anjos

To relax, Clay Guida runs a marathon. Seriously, does this kid ever get tired? No. No, he doesn't. And when I say this was your typical Guida fight, I mean that in the best possible way. What more can be said for the originator of the Guida Scale? Unbeknownst to us, the viewing public, Guida actually jawjacked dos Anjos hard enough that it broke the Brazilian's jaw! It broke his jaw?! Do you know what that means? dos Anjos fought for nearly 10 minutes with a broken jaw! I can barely walk ten steps with a Charley horse! The kid has a legendary set of brass balls, for sure, but Guida lands a takedown in the third and starts to dig his shoulder into dos Anjos' face which forces the tap. Everyone was confused at first but once the situation was explained, every man crossed their arms and nodded their head once in admiration.

Rating – 3 Guidas

Stefan Struve vs. Christian Morecraft

PRELIM ACTION~! Why Christian's nickname isn't "World of," I will never know. For his trouble, though, "World of Morecraft" did make Struve look like those funny, caricature drawings you get at the carnival. Struve went to his corner after the first round, must've looked in the mirror, FREAKED THE GEEK OUT, and decided he needed to end the fight within the next five minutes. And that he did. He drops Morecraft with the deftness of a level 50 Warrior Elf and pick up the win via TKO.

Rating – 3 Guidas

Jon Fitch vs. Thiago Alves

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

'Nuff said.

Rating – 2 Guida

Anderson Silva (c) vs. Chael Sonnen

To say this fight was like something out of The Twilight Zone is a bit of an understatement. Seriously, did Bruce Buffer introduce these two or did I somehow miss the first ever 180 Serling-point? Sonnen spent the time leading up to this fight training three hours a day and spending the other 21 hours talking trash. Silva, of course, was too busy unplugging others from The Matrix to bother himself with the Little White Boy from Oregon That Could. But when the two finally met up in the middle of the cage, no one this side of Miss Cleo could have predicted what happened: a 22 minute MUDHOLE STOMPING courtesy of a BJJ-hating (remember this...)- Republican from the northwest. On their feet, Sonnen even staggered Silva. SONNEN STAGGERED SILVA. I saw it live and just typed that sentence and even I want to call myself a liar. At one point, I promised to get "It takes money to bus whiskey" tattooed on me if Sonnen won. Sonnen was en route to a one-sided unanimous decision win but that hate of BJJ (remember?!) proved to be his undoing. He played around in Silva's guard a little too long and let Silva control his wrist WAY too long and got caught in a triangle, forcing the tap. Was Silva injured? Maybe. Does it matter? No. Every fighter walks into the cage with some kind of injury. This was a fight for the ages.

Rating – 5 Guidas

After all was said and done, I still can't believe we were two minutes away from Chael Sonnen becoming the UFC Middleweight kingpin. That kind of talk would get you smacked and institutionalized just a few years ago. Junior dos Santos answered some questions but unfortunately, some new ones popped up. Jon Fitch dry humped his way to another decision win while Alves made a case for becoming a middleweight for the third time in his career. Clay Guida doesn't just like winning, he likes breaking dude's bones. And Matt Hughes uses REPUBLICAN STRENGTH to break my heart.

Again, let me know what you fellas think. Sorry again for this being so late, I will try to have future editions up the day after major MMA events so the name of the column actually, y'know, makes sense.